Mataupu
What questions should you ask yourself, what points to pay special attention to, what to take care of before planning a child? Psychotherapists and family psychologists tell.
Tomorrow? Next week? Six months later? Or maybe right now? We go through the questions in our mind and discuss them with our partner, hoping that this will bring clarity. Relatives add fuel to the fire with advice: “You have everything, so what are you waiting for?” On the other hand, «you are still young, why hurry.»
Is there that “right” time when your life moves by the clock, you are full of energy, loved and ready to replenish? For some, this means simply listening to yourself. Someone, on the contrary, does not trust the sensations and seeks to think through every little thing. And what do the experts say?
Why now? Am I doing this for «reasonable» reasons?
Family therapist Helen Lefkowitz suggests starting from the main question: are you feeling good now? Are you satisfied with what you are doing? Can you say that you (in general) like your life?
“Remember that parenthood is a test, and all the regrets and doubts smoldering in your soul can flare up with renewed vigor,” she warns. — It is worse when a woman seeks to have a child for some extraneous reason. For example, she could not make a career, she is bored with life. Worse, some women resort to pregnancy as a last resort to salvage a failed marriage.”
Either way, it will be easier for you to prepare to commit to another person when you yourself are happy with yourself, your life, and your partner. “As one client of mine put it, “I want to see myself and the one I love most in our child as a combination of both of us,” says family counselor Carol Lieber Wilkins.
It is important that a partner who feels more confident knows how to listen to the other and is sympathetic to his concerns.
Are you ready for the compromises that will inevitably come along with parenthood and even before? “Are you willing to trade independence and spontaneity for planning and structure? If you used to be easy-going, are you ready to get comfortable with the role of a homebody? says Carol Wilkins. “Although planning for a child often involves fantasizing about your own distant childhood, remember that this is also a new stage for you as an adult.”
Is my partner ready for this?
Sometimes when one of the two hits the gas a little and the other brakes a little, they can reach a pace that works for both. “It is important that a partner who feels more confident knows how to listen to the other and is sympathetic to his concerns and comments,” says psychotherapist Rosalyn Blogier. «Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to close friends who already have kids to find out how they’ve handled issues — like arranging their schedules.»
“The couples I really worry about are the ones who didn’t really talk about having kids before getting married and then suddenly found that one wanted to be a parent and the other didn’t,” notes Blogier.
If you know your partner wants a baby but isn’t quite ready for it, it’s worth finding out what’s holding them back. Perhaps he is afraid of not coping with the burden of responsibility: if you plan to take parental leave, the whole burden of supporting the family may fall on him. Or maybe he had a difficult relationship with his own father and he will repeat his mistakes.
Be aware that it may be unusual for a partner to share his love, affection and attention with a child. Each of these problems can be an occasion for a frank conversation. If you feel it is necessary, contact a therapist you know or couples group therapy. Do not be ashamed of your doubts, but do not exaggerate them either. Remember: when the future takes shape, becomes tangible and visible, fear goes away. And it is replaced by expectation.
Is there any reason to delay?
Some couples may be concerned about financial or career security. You may be asking questions such as «Should we wait until we can buy a house and settle down?» Or it might seem strange to you: “Maybe we should wait until I start teaching, then I will have more time and energy to devote to the child.” Or, “Maybe we should wait until we save enough money so I have more time and energy.”
On the other hand, many couples are understandably concerned about their fertility. You may have witnessed your friends or acquaintances trying to conceive for years, going through endless fertility treatments, and lamenting why they didn’t take care of it sooner.
Unfortunately, some overlook the main question worth paying attention to: is our relationship ready for this? The best option is when a couple dedicates some time together to test their feelings so that they can switch to parenthood without feeling that some important part of their relationship is being sacrificed.
Imagine what it would be like to share your personal time not only with a partner, but also with someone else
Since much of our parenting is intuitive, it’s helpful, if not necessary, to feel that the relationship has a solid foundation.
Imagine what it would be like to share your personal time not only with a partner, but also with someone else. And not just with someone — with someone who requires your attention around the clock.
If your relationship gets bogged down in arguments about «fairness» and «sharing of responsibility», you still need to work on it a little. Think about this: if you’re arguing about whose turn it is to hang out the laundry from the washing machine or take the garbage to the landfill, can you be a «team» when you’ve been up all night and the babysitter has canceled, and on your way to your parents you discover that you’re out of diapers.
How do you know that you will be a good parent?
We live in a society that idealizes parenthood and makes couples sometimes exorbitant demands to be both loving and demanding, progressive and cautious, organized and open to experimentation.
Walk into any bookstore and you’ll see shelves full of parenting manuals ranging from «how to raise a genius» to «how to deal with a rebellious teenager.» It is not surprising that partners may feel «unfit» for such a serious task in advance.
Pregnancy and the birth of a child is always “reconnaissance in force”. And so, in a way, you can never be ready for it.
None of us are born perfectly suited for parenthood. As in any other life endeavors, here we have strengths and weaknesses. The important thing is to be honest and accept a variety of feelings, from ambivalence, anger and frustration to joy, pride and contentment.
How do you prepare yourself for the changes you are about to face?
Pregnancy and the birth of a child is always “reconnaissance in force”. And so, in a sense, you can never be ready for it. However, if you have doubts about something, you should discuss them with your partner. Together you must decide how your tandem will work, given the different developments. Pregnancy can be tough, but you can think of ways to make life easier for yourself.
You should discuss whether you want to tell friends and family that you are trying to have a baby, or wait until the end of the first trimester, for example, with the news. In the long term, you should discuss whether you can afford someone to stay at home with the child, or whether you should use the services of a babysitter.
But even the best-laid plans can change. The main thing here is to understand where offers and preferences end and rigid rules begin. In the end, you plan to connect your life with a complete stranger. That’s what parenthood is all about: a giant leap of faith. But many people do it with joy.