How often do we give ourselves a word — to start a new life, quit smoking, lose weight, find a new job. But time passes and nothing changes. Is it possible to learn to keep the promise and awaken changes in your life?
“Every summer I promise myself that I will work less,” says Anton, 34, the project manager. “But every time by October, a wave of work begins, from which I cannot avoid. The question is, why do I give myself a word that I will not keep anyway? Some kind of absurdity … «
Not at all! First, the desire to change is familiar to us. “From a cultural, physiological and psychic point of view, we are always gripped by a thirst for change,” explains psychoanalyst Pascal Neveu. “Our genetic heritage requires us to constantly adapt, and therefore change.” We reshape ourselves according to the environment. So, there is nothing more natural than to be carried away by the idea of development. But why does this hobby almost always pass quickly?
In order for you to fulfill your plan, your decision must give you pleasure.
The ritual affects me. As a rule, our good intentions are dedicated to some symbolic dates. We make decisions “before the holidays, at the beginning of the new school year or in January,” says Pascal Neve. “These are rites of passage that culturally invite us to move from one state to another; we are asked to turn the page to become better.” This means it is time to take stock and change what is unsuccessful!
I’m chasing the ideal. That would be the best version of yourself! We all have formed an ideal image of ourselves, recalls psychotherapist Isabelle Filliozat. “And our sweet, sincere promise is an attempt to correct our image, to make reality correspond to the ideal.”
The gap between who we aspire to be and who we are makes us sad. And we hope to reduce it, thereby reinforcing self-confidence and self-esteem. “At this moment, I believe that the decision made will be enough to correct my omissions and shortcomings,” Anton admits.
Hope helps us regain our integrity. At least for a while.
Set small goals for yourself: achieving them will bolster your self-confidence
I strive for control. “We succumb to the illusion of control,” continues Isabelle Fiyoza. We believe that we have regained free will, power over ourselves and even power. This gives us a sense of security. But that’s fantasy.» Something like the fantasy of a child who imagines himself to be all-powerful before internalizing the reality principle.
This very reality catches up with Anton: “I can’t do it, and I’m postponing my plans for next year!” We always lack something, either perseverance, or faith in our abilities … “Our society has lost the concept of perseverance,” notes Pascal Neve. “We despair at the slightest difficulty on the way to the difficult task that we have set for ourselves.”