Mataupu
- Marie’s testimony: “I wanted to be independent to raise my child. »Marie, 26 years old, mother of Leandro, 6 years old.
- The testimony of Jean-Baptiste: “The most difficult is when they announced the closure of schools for coronavirus!”
- Jean-Baptiste, dad of Yvana, 9 years old.
- Sarah’s testimony: “Being alone the first time is dizzying! Sarah, 43 years old, mother of Joséphine, 6 and a half years old.
Marie’s testimony: “I wanted to be independent to raise my child. »Marie, 26 years old, mother of Leandro, 6 years old.
“I got pregnant at 19, with my high school sweetheart. I had very irregular periods and their absence had not worried me. I was passing the Bac and I decided to wait until the end of the tests to take the test. I then found out that I was two and a half months pregnant. I had very little time to make a decision. My boyfriend told me that whatever my decision he would support me. I thought about it and decided to keep the baby. I was living with my father at the time. I dreaded her reaction and asked her best friend to tell her about it. When he found out, he told me he would support me too. In a few months, I passed the code, then the permit just before I gave birth. I needed my independence at all costs to be able to take charge of my baby. In the maternity ward, I was told about my young age, I felt a little stigmatized. Without having taken the time to really inquire, I had chosen the bottle, a little for ease, and I felt judged. When my baby was two and a half months old, I went to restaurants for some extras. My first was on Mother’s Day. It hurt my heart not to be with my child, but I told myself I was doing this for his future. When I had enough money to take an apartment, we moved to the city center with the dad, but when Léandro was 2 year old, we separated. I felt that we were no longer on the same wavelength. It’s as if we haven’t evolved at the same pace. We have put in place an alternating call: every other weekend and half of the holidays. “
From teenager to mom
Passed from a teenager’s blow to mom, I struggled to invest these empty weekends. I couldn’t live just for myself. I took the opportunity to write a book about my life as a solo mom *. Little by little, our life was structured. When he started school, I would wake him up at 5:45 a.m. to go to a childminder, before I started work at 7 a.m. I picked it up at 20 p.m. When he was 6 years old, I was afraid of losing the help of the CAF: how to keep him out of school without spending all my salary there? My boss was understanding: I no longer open or close the food truck. On a daily basis, it is not easy to have everything to manage, not to be able to rely on anyone for all the tasks, not to be able to breathe. The positive side is that with Léandro, we have a very close and very close relationship. I find him mature for his age. He knows that everything I do is for him too. He makes my daily life easier: if I have to do the housework and the dishes before going out, he spontaneously starts to help me without my asking him. Its motto ? “Together, we are stronger.
* “Once upon a time a mom” self-published on Amazon
Jean-Baptiste, dad of Yvana, 9 years old.
“During 2016, I separated from my partner, the mother of my daughter. She turned out to be psychologically unstable. I hadn’t had any warning signs when we were living together. Following the separation, it got worse. So I asked for sole custody of our daughter. The mother can only see her at her own mother’s house. Our daughter was 6 and a half years old when she came to live with me full time. I had to adapt my life. I left my company where I had been working for ten years because I was on staggered schedules not at all adapted to my new life as a solo dad. I had in mind for a long time to return to studies to work for a notary. I had to retake a Bac and register for a long course thanks to the CPF. I ended up finding a notary about ten kilometers from my home, who agreed to hire me as an assistant. I set up a little routine with my daughter: in the morning, I put her on the bus that goes to school, then I leave for my work. In the evening, I go to pick her up after an hour of daycare. This is where my second day begins: checking the liaison book and the diary in order to do homework, prepare dinner, open the mail, without forgetting on certain days to pick up the drive at Leclerc and run the washing machine and the dishwasher. After all that, I prepare the business for the next day, taste it in the satchel, I do all the administrative work for the house. Everything rolls around until a small grain of sand comes to stop the machine: if my child is sick, if there is a strike or if the car is broken down … Obviously, there is no time to anticipate it, the resourcefulness marathon starts in order to find a solution to be able to go to the office!
There is no one to take over, no second car, no second adult to share the worries. This experience brought us closer to my daughter: we have a very close relationship. Being a solo dad, for me what was most difficult was when they announced the closure of schools, due to coronavirus. I felt completely helpless. I wondered how I was going to do it. Fortunately, immediately, I received messages from other solo parents, friends, who suggested that we organize ourselves, that we keep our children for each other. And then, very quickly came the announcement of confinement. The question no longer arose: we had to find our way of functioning by staying at home. I am extremely lucky: my daughter is very independent and she loves school. Every morning we would log in to see homework and Yvana did her exercises on her own. In the end, as we both managed to work well, I even have the impression that we gained a little in quality of life during this period!
Sarah’s testimony: “Being alone the first time is dizzying! Sarah, 43 years old, mother of Joséphine, 6 and a half years old.
“When we separated, Joséphine had just celebrated her 5th birthday. My first reaction was terror: to find myself without my daughter. I was not considering alternating custody at all. He decided to leave, and to the sorrow of depriving me of him could not be added that of depriving me of my daughter. At the beginning, we agreed that Joséphine would go to her daddy’s house every other weekend. I knew it was important that she did not cut the bond with him, but when you spent five years taking care of your child, seeing him get up, plan his meals, baths, go to bed, being alone the first time is simply dizzying. I was losing control and realizing that she was a whole person who had a life without me, that a part of her was escaping me. I felt idle, useless, orphaned, not knowing what to do with myself, going around in circles. I continued to get up early and like anything, I got used to it.
Relearn how to take care of yourself as a single parent
Then one day I thought to myself: “Bwe, what am I going to do with this time?“I had to understand that I could allow myself the right to enjoy this form of freedom that I had lost in recent years. So I learned again to occupy these moments, to take care of myself, of my life as a woman and to rediscover that there are still things to do too! Today, when the weekend arrives, I no longer feel that little pang in my heart. The care has even changed and Joséphine stays one night a week in addition with her dad. I was very affected by the painful divorce of my parents when I was little. So I’m quite proud today of the team we are forming with her dad. We are on excellent terms. He always sends me pictures of our chip when he has custody, showing me what they did, ate… We didn’t want her to feel obligated to compartmentalize between mum and dad, nor to feel guilty if she felt fun with one of us. We are therefore vigilant that it circulates fluidly in our triangle. She knows that there are common rules, but also differences between him and me: at mom’s house, I can have a TV set on weekends, and at dad’s more chocolate! She understood well and has this wonderful ability of children to adapt. I tell myself more and more that this is what will also make his wealth.
Solo mom’s guilt
When we’re together it’s 100%. When we have spent the day laughing, playing games, activities, dancing and the time comes for her to go to bed, she says to me “ bah and you, what are you going to do now? ”. Because no longer to be accompanied by the gaze of the other is a real lack. The grief is there too. I feel a huge responsibility to be the only referent. Often I wonder “Am I fair? Am I doing well there?“Suddenly, I tend to talk to her too much like an adult and I blame myself for not preserving her childhood world enough. Every day I learn to trust myself and to be indulgent with myself. I do what I can and I know that the most important thing is the endless dose of love that I give her.