To be heard means to receive recognition of one’s uniqueness, confirmation of one’s existence. This is probably the most common desire these days — but at the same time the most risky. How to make sure that we can be heard in the surrounding noise? How to talk «for real»?
E lei i ai lava se taimi muamua na matou fesootai ai, tautala, tusitusi ai ni mea se tele. Faʻatasi, e finau pe fautua, taʻusalaina pe faʻatasi, ma taʻitoʻatasi e faʻaalia o latou uiga, manaʻoga ma manaʻoga. Ae pe e iai se lagona faapea o loo faafofogaina moni mai i tatou? E le o taimi uma.
E i ai se eseesega i le va o mea tatou te manatu tatou te fai atu ai ma mea tatou te fai atu ai; i le va o mea ua faalogo i ai le isi ma mea ua tatou manatu ua ia faalogo i ai. E le gata i lea, i le aganuu faʻaonaponei, lea o le faʻaalia o le tagata lava ia o se tasi lea o galuega sili ona taua, ma o le saoasaoa o se faiga fou o mafutaga, o le tautala e le o toe faʻamoemoe e fausia ni alalaupapa i le va o tagata.
O aso nei tatou te faʻatauaina le tagata taʻitoʻatasi ma sili atu ona fiafia ia i tatou lava, tatou te vaʻavaʻai atili i totonu ia i tatou lava. “O se tasi o iʻuga o sea uaʻi atu, o se vaega tāua o le sosaiete e faamuamua le manaʻoga e faailoa atu o ia lava i le faaleagaina o le tomai e iloa ai,” o le faamatalaga lea a le fomaʻi Gestalt o Mikhail Kryakhtunov.
E mafai ona taʻua i tatou o se sosaiete o failauga e leai se tasi e faʻalogo i ai.
Feau e leai se mea
New technologies bring our «I» to the fore. Social networks tell everyone how we live, what we think about, where we are and what we eat. “But these are statements in a monologue mode, a speech that is not addressed to anyone in particular,” says Inna Khamitova, a systemic family psychotherapist. “Perhaps this is an outlet for shy people who are too afraid of negative feedback in the real world.”
Latou te maua le avanoa e faʻaalia ai o latou manatu ma faʻamaonia i latou lava, ae i le taimi lava e tasi latou te lamatia ai le puipuia o latou popolega ma pipii i le vateatea.
In museums and against the backdrop of sights, everyone takes selfies — it seems that no one is looking at each other, or at those masterpieces for which they were in this place. The number of messages-images is many times greater than the number of those who can perceive them.
"I le va o sootaga, o loʻo i ai le tele o mea o loʻo teu faʻafaigaluegaina, faʻatusatusa i mea na ave," o le faamamafa lea a Mikhail Kryakhtunov. “O i tatou uma lava e taumafai e faailoa atu o tatou manatu, ae i le iuga e oo atu ai i le tuua toatasi.”
O a tatou feso'ota'iga ua fa'avavevave ma, ona o lenei lava mea, ua fa'aitiitia le loloto.
Faasalalau se mea e uiga ia i tatou lava, tatou te le iloa pe o i ai se tasi i le isi pito o le uaea. Tatou te le feiloai ma se tali ma le vaaia i luma o tagata uma. Ae o le a sese le tuuaia o auala o fesootaiga mo mea uma. “Ana leai so matou manaʻoga mo i latou, semanū e lē oo mai,” o le tala lea a Mikhail Kryakhtunov. Faafetai ia i latou, e mafai ona tatou fesuiai feau i soo se taimi. Ae o a tatou fesoʻotaʻiga ua faʻateleina ma sili atu ona televave ma, ona o lenei mea, ua faʻaitiitia le loloto. Ma e faʻatatau lenei mea e le gata i fefaʻatauaʻiga pisinisi, lea e saʻo muamua ai le saʻo, ae le o le fesoʻotaʻiga faʻalagona.
We press the “wave” button without even understanding who we are waving to and who is waving back. Emoji libraries offer pictures for all occasions. Smiley — fun, another smiley — sadness, folded hands: «I pray for you.» There are also ready-made phrases for standard answers. “To write “I love you”, you just need to press the button once, you don’t even have to type letter by letter, continues the Gestalt therapist. “But words that require neither thought nor effort depreciate, lose their personal meaning.” Isn’t that why we try to strengthen them, adding to them «very», «really», «honestly honest» and the like? They underline our passionate desire to communicate our thoughts and emotions to others — but also the uncertainty that this will succeed.
avanoa tipi
O meli, imeli, feʻau tusitusia, tweets e taofia ai i tatou mai le isi tagata ma o latou tino, o latou lagona ma o tatou lagona.
Ua faapea mai Inna Khamitova: “Ona o le mea moni e faapea o fesootaiga e faia e ala i masini e fai ai le matafaioi o se puluvaga i le va o i tatou ma le isi, ua lē toe aafia ai o tatou tino,” o le tala lea a Inna Khamitova, “ae o le faatasitasi o lona uiga o le faalogo atu i le leo o le isi, sogisogi. ia te ia, i le iloaina o lagona le tautala ma ia i ai i le tulaga lava e tasi.
E seasea ona tatou mafaufau i le mea moni e faapea, pe a tatou i ai i se avanoa masani, tatou te vaʻai ma iloa se talaaga masani, e fesoasoani lea ia i tatou e malamalama atili ai le tasi i le isi.
Afai tatou te fesoʻotaʻi faʻatasi, ona "tuu ese lea o lo tatou avanoa masani," o le tala lea a Mikhail Kryakhtunov, "Ou te le vaʻai i le tagata faʻatalanoa pe, afai o le Skype, mo se faʻataʻitaʻiga, ou te vaʻaia na o foliga ma vaega o le potu, ae ou te ' t iloa le mea o loʻo i tua o le faitotoʻa, o le a le tele o le faʻalavelaveina o le isi, o le a le tulaga, e tatau ona ia faʻaauau le talanoaga pe tape vave.
Ou te ave patino le mea e leai se mea e fai ia te au. Ae na te le lagonaina lena mea ia te au.
Our common experience at this moment is small — we have little contact, the area of psychological contact is small. If we take an ordinary conversation as 100%, then when we communicate using gadgets, 70-80% disappear.” This would not be a problem if such communication did not turn into a bad habit, which we carry over into normal everyday communication.
Ua fa'afaigata ona tatou feso'ota'i.
O le i ai atoa o se isi lata ane e le mafai ona suia i auala faʻapitoa
Surely, many have seen this picture somewhere in a cafe: two people are sitting at the same table, each looking at their device, or maybe they themselves have been in such a situation. “This is the principle of entropy: more complex systems break down into simpler ones, it is easier to degrade than to develop,” the Gestalt therapist reflects. — To hear another, you have to break away from yourself, and this requires effort, and then I just send a smiley. But the emoticon does not solve the issue of participation, the addressee has a strange feeling: it seems that they reacted to it, but it was not filled with anything. The full presence of another side by side is irreplaceable by technical means.
Ua mou atu le tomai o fesootaiga loloto, ma e tatau ona toe faaleleia. E mafai ona e amata i le toe maua o le tomai e faʻalogo ai, e ui lava e le faigofie.
We live at the intersection of many influences and appeals: make your page, put a like, sign an appeal, participate, go … And gradually we develop deafness and immunity in ourselves — this is just a necessary protective measure.
Su'e paleni
"Ua matou aʻoaʻoina e tapunia lo matou avanoa i totonu, ae e aoga pe a mafai foi ona tatala," o le tala lea a Inna Khamitova. “A leai, matou te le maua ni manatu faaalia. Ma o i matou, mo se faʻataʻitaʻiga, e faʻaauau pea ona tautala, e le o faitau i faʻailoga e le o sauni le isi e faʻalogo mai ia i matou i le taimi nei. Ma o i matou lava e mafatia i le leai o se gauai. ”
The developer of the theory of dialogue, Martin Buber, believed that the main thing in dialogue is the ability to hear, not to say. “We need to give the other a place in the space of conversation,” explains Mikhail Kryakhtunov. To be heard, one must first become the one who hears. Even in psychotherapy, there comes a time when the client, having spoken out, wants to know what is happening with the therapist: “How are you doing?” It’s mutual: if I don’t listen to you, you don’t hear me. And vice versa».
E le o le tautala faasolosolo, ae o le amanaia o le tulaga ma le paleni o manaoga. "E leai se uiga le galue e tusa ai ma le faʻataʻitaʻiga: Na ou feiloai, e tatau ona ou faʻasoa se mea," o le faʻamalamalamaga a le fomaʻi Gestalt. “Ae e mafai ona e vaʻavaʻai i le mea o loʻo i ai le matou fonotaga, pe faʻafefea ona atiaʻe fegalegaleaiga. Ma galue e le gata i ou lava manaoga, ae faapena foi i tulaga ma le faagasologa.”
O se mea masani le mana'o e lagona le soifua maloloina, anoa, fa'atauaina, ma lagona le feso'ota'i ma le lalolagi.
O le sootaga i le va o aʻu ma le isi e faʻavae i luga o le nofoaga ou te tuʻuina atu ia te ia, pe faʻafefea ona ia suia oʻu lagona ma loʻu manatu. Ae i le taimi lava e tasi, tatou te le iloa ma le mautinoa po o le a se mea o le a mafaufauina e se tasi e faʻaaoga a tatou upu e fai ma faʻavae mo galuega o ona mafaufauga. “O le tele o le a tatou malamalama ai e faalagolago i le tele o mea: i lo tatou tomai e faatulaga saʻo ai le feʻau, i le uaʻi atu o se isi, ma le auala tatou te faauigaina ai faailo e sau mai iā te ia,” o le tala lea a Inna Khamitova.
To one, in order to know that he is being listened to, it is necessary to see the gaze fixed on him. A closer look is embarrassing for another — but it helps when they nod or ask clarifying questions. “You can even start expressing an idea that is not completely formed,” Mikhail Kryakhtunov is convinced, “and if the interlocutor is interested in us, he will help develop and formalize it.”
Ae faʻapefea pe afai o le manaʻo ia faʻalogo ua naʻo le faʻatauvaʻa? "Seʻi o tatou vaʻai i le va o le narcissism ma le alofa o le tagata lava ia," o le fautuaga lea a Mikhail Kryakhtunov. "O se mea masani le manaʻo e lagona le soifua maloloina, anoa, faʻatauaina, ma lagona le fesoʻotaʻi ma le lalolagi." Ina ia mafai ona faʻaalia le alofa o le tagata lava ia, lea o loʻo i ai i le narcissism, e faʻaalia ma fua mai, e tatau ona faʻamaonia mai fafo e isi: ina ia tatou fiafia ia te ia. Ma o ia, i le isi itu, o le a manaia ia i tatou. E le tupu i taimi uma ma e le tupu foi i tagata uma. Ae a i ai se mea faapena i lo tatou va, o se lagona o le vavalalata e tupu mai ai: e mafai ona tatou tuleia i tatou lava, ma faatagaina le isi e tautala. Pe fesili atu ia te ia: e mafai ona e faalogo?