We used to trust doctors and psychotherapists. And how do we know what the treatment or therapy should be? But in any environment there are amateurs. How to understand that this specialist will not only not help, but also harm?
In the age of general psychological pseudo-literacy, when almost half of my feed in social networks are psychologists, and the rest are clients, there is still not enough information about psychotherapy. No, not about how to understand that it’s time to see a psychologist. It’s always time for him. But almost nothing has been written about when it is time to leave him.
So, when it’s time to run away from a psychologist without looking back:
1. As soon as he starts comparing you to himself, cite as an example yourself or your relatives, personal “similar” situations, as well as your own ways out of them. You must understand that at this moment he is thinking about himself, and not about you. This could be the end, but I’ll explain anyway.
The task of a psychologist is to create a nonjudgmental, empathic space in which you would comfortably come to independent conclusions. It is this space that heals the soul. In reality, a psychologist can do nothing else, but simply be there and give the opportunity to all that healthy and positive that is in you to take its rightful place.
If he compares you to himself or someone else, this means that:
- he uses you to solve his problems;
- evaluates you (comparison is always an assessment);
- compete with you internally.
Obviously, he either did not study well, or did not heal himself. After all, the fact that in the process of therapy you can’t compare anyone with anyone and you need to be completely included in this particular client is known even to students who have a double degree, even those who just read good books or once passed by the Faculty of Psychology. So in the best case, you will just spend money on the fact that your therapist deals with himself at your expense.
In the worst case, such a psychologist will exacerbate your problems and add his own
2. Is it not sensitive to feedback?You do not like something, but he is not going to change it? In response to your wish not to yawn during the sessions, does he offer to discuss your high expectations? He seems to be trying to convince you that you are the problem. Run faster. He will manipulate your self-esteem to his advantage further.
3. You feel that now he is the main person in your life. You wonder how you managed without it before. You constantly imagine what and how you will discuss with him, the prospect of a break in communication with him makes you afraid. The feeling of its indispensability and significance does not disappear with therapy, but only intensifies with time. Alas, it’s an addiction. It’s dangerous and you don’t need it. Did you go to a psychologist for this? Run if you can, of course.
4. Your therapist is not happy with your independent achievements, does not pay attention to what you think is important? «Smearing» the session, pulling time? Do you walk out of a meeting with the same feeling as after mindlessly surfing the web? Hope you know what to do.
5. Bumping into your key barrier, the therapist gleefully communicates that «we will work with this» but a bright future does not come. That is, he seems to be telling you: «come tomorrow.» And you keep coming today. In fact, he is simply not able to manage the process or deliberately manipulates your addiction and is playing for time. Good psychotherapy has a clear beginning and end. The process should have a clear purpose and dynamics. The absence of such indicates either dishonesty of the therapist or his incompetence.
6. Does he talk too much about his personal success in psychotherapy, speaks disrespectfully about his colleagues? Tells that he is unique, inimitable and goes against and contrary to many «conservatives»? Be careful and better run away. The boundary is thin, there are many strict rules in psychotherapy for good reason.
The violation of one is inevitably followed by the violation of other restrictions that are critical for an effective process.
7. Does your therapist give you advice? Recommend how to proceed? Insists? At best, he is not a psychotherapist, but a consultant. At worst, he tries to combine both of these components in himself, and it turns out badly for him. And now I will explain why. The fact is that psychotherapy and counseling are two fundamentally different processes. The consultant talks and explains something on a topic in which he is an expert to those who lack information. Psychotherapy is not engaged in educational activities.
In this process, there is no place for the pronounced position of the psychologist. In it, the task is to create a safe space for working out blocks and injuries. If you come with a psychotherapeutic request (and by default people go to psychotherapists with such a request), then any “advice”, “scheme of actions” will be inappropriate and, moreover, harmful to your process.
Alas, those who like to consult in the process of psychotherapy all the time break into counseling, but they fail to unite the two hypostases. They talk too much and don’t listen well. Where you have a request to work with a deep fear, they try to jump on top, offering you ready-made solutions that you did not ask for. It’s like telling a bulimic person to close the refrigerator. I hope you understand that the advice in this case does not work?
There is no place for advice or guidance in psychotherapy. This therapy is a waste of time and money.
8. Is he trying to borrow money from you? Do you notice that you know almost as much about him as he does about you? About his problems, personal development, career plans, family, other clients? And did he tell you all this during your sessions? It’s time to evaluate How long paid time you spent listening to it and admit that it violates ethical rules and boundaries. He is not your friend and should not try to become one!
9. Does the therapist enter into a sexual relationship with you or just allude to them? It turns out that many believe that it’s okay that those who are in a position of power sleep with those whom they should have patronized. So just in case, I’ll write. If your therapist is trying to have sex with you, that’s very bad. It is unethical, traumatic and will never help you in any way, it will only harm you. Run without looking back.
10. If you feel that you have lost confidence, doubt the psychologist as a specialist (even if you can’t explain to yourself the reason for such anxiety) — leave. It doesn’t matter if your doubts are justified. If they are, the therapy will most likely be unsuccessful, because trust is a very important factor in this process.
In general, run, friends, it is sometimes more useful than any psychotherapy.