E faia uma e tamaloloa: o le a le mea e tupu i toleniga a alii

O le Paris School of Gestalt Therapy e ofoina atu se a'oa'oga e tolu aso mo na'o alii. I luga o lea mea, na iloa ai e se tusitala o le Psychologies le manaʻoga e puipuia o ia lava, le fefe i le faʻafeusuaiga ma le malosi o loimata faʻatasi. Na ia toe foi atu i le ofisa faatonu ua suia ma taʻu mai pe na faapefea.

Faasaga i le taimi nei

“O fea o iai lena tadpole?”

I le aso lona tolu o vasega, sa tatau ona maua se manu totem. Sa ou filifilia semoni. Mo le toe gaosia, e alu aʻe i luga. O lamatiaga i luga o lenei ala e le mafaitaulia, o le galuega e faigata. Ae ui i lea, na te puleaina. Sa fai mai le taitai ou te taoto i luga o le fola. Ona ia fai atu lea i ni volenitia se toafa e nonofo i loʻu tua, ma sa tatau ona ou galue i lenei vaega mafiafia o tino. Ma o le taimi lena na ou faalogo ai i le sili ona le mafaufau o i latou, o le sili ona leaga, Oscar¹, o ai na fa'aitaina a'u talu mai le aso muamua, na pa'u ifo le ivasefulu kilokalama o lona mamafa i luga o o'u ivi 'aso ma ata: "A'o fea oi ai lenei tadpole?"

O lenei aʻoaʻoga na tosina mai ai aʻu i lana mautauave: "Afai o oe o se tamaloa, sau!". O lenei apili i le tane, natura faʻaosooso: faʻafefea le avea ma se tamaloa? Mo aʻu, mo le isi lua taseni tama tane o loʻo potopoto i lalo o lenei taualuga i le pito i tua o Norman, e le o se fesili faʻamaonia.

— There are so many guys grinding their cigarettes at the entrance, it’s just terrible! – Eric, whom I met for a drink some time after the training, recalls his fears about starting it: “As a child, I could not stand the atmosphere of places where there were only men. All those dressing rooms. This is bestiality. The presence of a woman has always given me confidence. How will I be here? And what about seduction? I actually like to seduce … ”He smiled: such a relief now to talk about it freely. “I knew there were homosexuals among us. I was afraid that I would be desired — and that behind this fear my own desire might be hidden! I laughed. “Imagine, and I demanded to be put in a separate bedroom!” We’ve been through this before…

e fetagisi foi alii

I se taimi vave lava i le aʻoga, sa faʻamalosia i matou e faʻafesoʻotaʻi le tasi ma le isi, e tusa lava po o a tuʻinanauga tau feusuaiga. Masalo o se faiga masani lea mo vaega o alii, ma e masani lava mo togafitiga Gestalt, lea e fai ai se sao taua o le poto masani.

O le opogi, lagona o se tino mafanafana ma le mafanafana o le tagata, o se popo agalelei i le lima, i luga o le tauau o se vaega o le galuega ua ofoina mai ia i tatou.

One of the exercises involved joining in threes: two were parents, father and mother, and the third was a «baby» curled up between them. «Everyone hugged, it’s so unifying.» The memory made Erik frown. “It was difficult for me. I was out of breath.» He then told us about the environment in which he grew up: an authoritarian mother, a faceless father.

Ae, ina ua suia e tagata taʻitoʻatasi nofoaga ma isi, na mafai ai ona oʻo i nisi o taimi e matua feteʻenaʻi lagona, mai le faʻamalieina ma le faʻamafanafanaga i le atuatuvale ma le popole. “O le tamaitiiti tatou te fefefe ne'i nutimomoia,” sa ou manatua ai. “Matou te fefefe ma mananaʻo e nutimomoia.” “And at some moments — great joy. Coming from a very long distance,” he added.

Words poured out. The expression of emotions — including sometimes the inability to feel — along with touch is defining for groups of men. Dare to look into each other’s eyes. “I am one of those who is cruel to my children,” one of us said. — So much anger. I want to kill them. I love them, but I could kill them.» There was silence. It was not a condemnation of the one who spoke, but silence in anticipation of something else. And then a voice rang out: «So do I.» Then another. Many of us stinged in the eyes. “Me too,” I said. — And me too». Spasm of sobs, huge bubbles of tears. «So do I, and so do I.» I felt a warm, comforting touch on my hand. Being a man is not only that, but that too.

Faafoliga Leiloa

I le vaega o alii, o le fesili o feusuaiga e tulai mai foi. E uiga i feusuaiga eseese.

Matou te tautala saʻo, aemaise lava talu ai matou te potopoto i vaega taʻitoʻatolu pe toʻafa tagata, e pei o loʻo i totonu o se alcove. “Pe a ou tui ia te ia i tamatamailima e lua, tolu, ona sosoo ai lea ma le fa o tamatamailima, ou te lagona le latalata atu nai lo le taimi ou te faia ai i se tagata o le ekalesia, aua e le taliaina ma atamai e pei o le pito o ona tamatamailima,” o le tala lea a Tanielu ia i tatou, i le o ia auiliiliga, e tofu i tatou uma ma se mea e mafaufau i ai. Na ave e Mareko le fola: "A ou manaʻo e maua se tama, e faigofie mea uma: Ou te manaʻo e tuʻu o ia i le asini." Ma o lenei foʻi, e paʻu ai i tatou i le mafaufau loloto.

“Ou te lei vaai lava i ai mai lena itu,” o le tala lea a Tanielu. Sa matou talie uma. A uma mea uma, e tutusa uma lava o tatou popolega: tuinanau, faatosina, faigata ma se tama, se tina pule po o le faanoanoa ona o lona vave maliu, fefe i le tuulafoaiina. Ma o nisi taimi tatou te lagona ai o ni tama laiti i se tino tane. “Ua ou matua, ma ua ou le toe tu i luga e pei ona ou masani ai,” o le tautinoga lea a se tasi o failauga. “Ua silafia e le Atua lo’u fiafia i ai!” O le malosi o lo tatou malosi faavae lea, ae afai e te manatu e suitulaga i mea uma, ua na o se faaseseina. E leai se mea e tumau e faavavau, e pei ona fai mai ai le au Puta.

Na avea tama ma alii

I luga o le veranda matou te inu ai, na tago Eric i ni nati: “I learned from this training how dangerous it is to identify with your erection. For a long time I thought that in order to remain happy, a man needs to maintain potency. Now I know it’s better to separate these things.» O ni manatuaga lelei ia. Agalelei. I afiafi sa matou feiloai ai, o tagata uma sa i ai iina, i se laulau laupapa umi.

“E pei o monike,” o le tala lea a Eric.

“Po o seila,” sa ou fautua atu ai.

Sa tafe ai le uaina iina. “Leai, e moni lava,” sa faaopoopo mai ai la’u uo, “Na iu ina ou manatu o le leai o ni tamaitai mo na aso sa matua malolo lava. Na iu ina ou le tau faaseseina se tasi!”

Yes, there was also that case with the «tadpole». When I was a boy, I was called «tadpole in cans» because of the glasses.

I suffered. I was small, lonely and wearing glasses. And then suddenly, years later, when I tried my best to be a salmon, alone in front of this wall of men, this human avalanche, with their smells, male cries, hairiness, teeth, I felt myself falling into the abyss of childhood, where everything, oh what I asked for — a friendly pat, a reassuring hand on the shoulder. And that brute must have broken my rib! Then another training leader stepped in to free me. But this was not the end. “Now, fight! Fight off the bear.»

O Oscar o se urosa. Na folafola mai le taua o le a mataʻina. Na ou tau ma se tamaloa e faaluaina loʻu mamafa. O ai i le faaiuga na ioe mai ia i matou na sauaina o ia e tamaiti aoga. He was the tallest, the tallest, and was so shy that he did not dare to defend himself: after all, he wanted to be loved, but did not know that sometimes it was necessary to fight for this, and therefore he was despised, hated and showered with blows. We grappled. Oscar spared my sore ribs. But his grip was firm and his eyes were friendly and soft. “Come on, dump everything that you have accumulated. Get free.» He has a deep voice, the voice of a man.

¹ Mo mafuaaga fa'alilolilo, igoa ma nisi fa'amatalaga patino ua suia.