Everyone knows what physical pain is. But many forget about emotional pain, which causes no less suffering. And to help a person cope with it, you need to be able to support him correctly. How to do it?
Emotional pain occurs not only along with physical pain. When your boss yelled at work, when your best friend couldn’t come to a birthday party, when your favorite coat was torn, when a child came down with a fever. Such situations are countless, and most people, trying to support loved ones, make serious mistakes.
Inefficient ways to support others
1. We are trying to understand the reasons
Here and now they are trying to find out how it happened that a loved one caught on a hook and tore his coat. Maybe he just wasn’t looking where he was going? This method does not work because the person who is now offended, hard, anxious, does not care at all because of what this happened. He’s just bad.
2. We discount emotional pain.
“Well, why were you worried, like a little one, because of some kind of coat? Do you have nothing else to do but cry over the thing? You buy another, and in general it didn’t suit you and it was old. ” This method is ineffective because at the moment of acute experience a person is not able to assess the scale of the problem and pull himself together. Instead, he feels that his pain is being ignored.
3. We try to blame the victim
There are a lot of options here. For example: «This is your bad karma, because your coat is torn.» Or: “Yes, it’s your own fault that you were brought in and left the house late, in a hurry and ruined the thing.” If a person who is already having a hard time is burdened with guilt, it will become even harder for him.
Effective Ways to Support
First, I must note that it is necessary to support a man and a woman in different ways.
Algorithm for providing first emotional aid to a man
Men are more stingy with emotions. This has two main reasons:
- The male body produces less oxytocin and cortisol (attachment and anxiety hormones), but much more rage hormones — testosterone and adrenaline. Therefore, it is more difficult for men to be empathic and gentle, and they are more likely to show aggression.
- Boys are taught from childhood that «men don’t cry.» In the male world, tears are considered weakness, like any other manifestation of emotions. This does not mean that men do not feel anything, but they tend to suppress their emotions. Therefore, it is not easy to support a man, especially a woman. He will not cry and speak out. After all, it is in front of the woman he loves that he wants to look strong and it is to her that he is most afraid of showing his weakness.
Supporting each other, men are often just knowingly silent. They don’t say anything, they don’t demand anything. Patiently waiting for a friend to be able to squeeze out one or two stingy phrases. And when it breaks through, a heart-to-heart conversation can happen. And friends can also give advice, but only practical and only when they are asked about it.
I offer the following first aid steps for a man:
- Create an atmosphere of attention, warmth, openness, but do not say anything and do not ask anything. Just wait until he wants to speak.
- Listen without interrupting or touching. Any hugs, stroking during a conversation, a man will perceive as a manifestation of pity, and she is humiliating for him.
- When he finishes, think carefully and give short but precise advice. It will be useful to remember the past achievements of a man, to remind him that he has already overcome serious difficulties. This will help restore faith in yourself, and at the same time show that he is not considered weak, they believe in him.
Algorithm for providing first emotional aid to a woman
I suggest doing the following:
- Sit nearby.
- Hug, hold hands, pat on the head.
- Say: “I’ll just stay by your side, I won’t leave you, I won’t go anywhere. I understand that you are in pain. You can scream, get angry, cry — this is absolutely normal.
- Listen to everything a woman wants to say and don’t interrupt her. Let cry. Each of our emotions corresponds to a certain behavior. If you accept that it’s okay to smile when you’re happy, then you have to accept that it’s okay to cry when it hurts.
If a man loves his woman, if he is not indifferent to her pain, he will allow her to speak out, to express emotions through tears. It will give that simple human empathy that allows you to confidently get back on your feet again. And having calmed down, she herself will understand what is the cause of the problem, who is to blame, how to prevent such situations in the future. When I talk about this method of providing emotional first aid to women, 99% of them answer that in difficult moments of life they need this.