In a relationship, you need to be able to compromise. But what is the difference between compromise and sacrifice? How to understand if you have a future as a couple, and when is it better to leave? Psychotherapist Terry Gaspard answers.
Suppose it is obvious from the outset that your opinions differ on important issues. You understand the roles and responsibilities in a couple in different ways, he is not ready to accept your children, or you do not agree on religion and politics. You understand this, but you are irresistibly drawn to this person.
Well, enjoy the moment, but keep in mind: when the veil of first feelings and emotions dissolves, you will have to deal with these discrepancies. And even poorly concealed irritation towards your cat will sooner or later overflow the cup of patience.
Compromises in which you feel like you are losing yourself as a person or sacrificing the interests of those you care about undermine the alliance and eventually destroy it. Mira Kirshenbaum, author of Is He Really the Right One for You?, offers five important criteria to help you answer this question.
1.You are extremely easy with him, although you know each other quite recently. Funny when he jokes, warm and comfortable in silence. You don’t think about what impression you make.
2.You feel safe with him. This means that the partner is mature enough and has managed to build a harmonious relationship with himself. Thanks to this quality, he will not involve you in solving internal problems. He is interested in your thoughts and feelings, and you are not afraid that he will use your openness against you.
3. You have fun with him. The ability to make you laugh, to please with a surprise, to come up with something that will make your heart beat is a sure sign that you got a lucky ticket in the lottery of heart connections. The ability to please each other gives rise to a sense of unity, which helps the couple to endure difficult trials more easily.
4. You are physically attracted to each other.. You feel good in bed and from the very beginning it is clear that you do not have to adapt to the temperament and habits of each other, they coincided. You experience both passion and tenderness.
5. You respect him for the qualities he has demonstrated.. Any chemistry dies in the absence of respect.
Do you feel that a new friend is close to you and want to develop a relationship? How to determine that your desires match?
1. He keeps his word. If he promised that he would call, you will hear a call. Inviting to spend the weekend together, he will not report at the last moment about urgent work. When a man is interested, he will do everything to keep his promise.
2. Dates with you are a priority. Even if he is very busy, he finds time not only for messages and phone calls, but also for meetings.
3. You’re dating for more than just sex.. If most often he offers to see you alone — most likely, he considers your relationship only as a pleasant, but temporary episode. In the future, this relationship will either end or turn into a friendly union, where friendly communication also implies sex from time to time.
4. He enjoys talking about things that interest you.. He asks questions about plans and hobbies and listens to what you tell.
5. He includes you in his life and introduces you to people he cares about.. True, the situation changes if he has children. In this case, he may not rush things and introduce you to the child when he is sure of your joint future.
6.He doesn’t hesitate to show affection towards you. both in front of strangers and in the presence of their family or friends.
7.It boosts your self-esteem. The person who loves and appreciates you turns out to be a mirror that reflects your best features.
8.If you have children, he is open to meeting them.. Of course, this meeting may not take place immediately, but the lack of interest and willingness to communicate with your child at the very beginning is a sign that the relationship will not work out.
9. He includes you in his plans for the future.. It is unlikely that he will immediately begin to dream about how you will get married. But if he began to plan significant events with you, for example, buying a gift and going to a loved one’s birthday or a joint vacation, then he has already entered you into the script of his life.
If he says from the very beginning that he is not ready for a relationship, then he is. Do not be under the illusion that meeting you will change everything, this will only lead to disappointment.
About the Author: Terry Gaspard is a psychotherapist and co-author of Daughters of Divorce.