Pa'aga lelei - talafatu po'o mea moni?

Plato first mentions ancient beings that combined the male and female principles in themselves and therefore are ideally harmonious in the dialogue “Feast”. The cruel gods, seeing in their harmony a threat to their power, divided the unfortunate women and men — who are doomed from then on to look for their soul mate in order to restore their former integrity. Quite a simple story. But even two and a half thousand years later, it has not lost its attractiveness for us. Fairy tales and myths feed this idea of ​​an ideal partner: for example, a prince for Snow White or Cinderella, who, with a kiss or tender attention, restores life and dignity to a sleeping woman or a poor thing in tatters. It is difficult to get rid of these schemas, but perhaps they should be understood differently.

We want to meet the fruit of our imagination

Sigmund Freud was the first to suggest that in search of an ideal partner, we meet only those who already exist in our unconscious. “Finding an object of love ultimately means finding it again” — perhaps this is how the law of mutual attraction of people could be formulated. By the way, Marcel Proust meant the same thing when he said that first we draw a person in our imagination and only then we meet him in real life. “A partner attracts us because his image has been living inside us since childhood,” explains psychoanalyst Tatyana Alavidze, “hence, a handsome prince or princess is a person whom we have been waiting for and “knew” for a long time.” Where?

The ideal relationship fantasy, which can be summed up as «100% reward, 0% conflict,» brings us back to the early stages of life when a newborn perceives as an ideal and flawless being the adult who cares for him, that is, most often the mother. At the same time, the dream of such a relationship seems to be more pronounced in women. “They succumb to it more often because they have an unconscious desire for replenishment,” says psychoanalyst Hélène Vecchiali. — We have to admit: no matter how in love a man is, he hardly looks at a woman with that immense adoration with which a mother looks at a newborn child. And even if this is obviously not the case, the woman still unconsciously believes that she is inferior. As a result, only an absolutely ideal man can make up for her “inferiority”, whose perfection “guarantees” perfection to herself. This ideal, completely suitable partner is someone who will demonstrate that she is desirable for who she is.

We select the parent shape

The father figure is extremely important for the female unconscious. Does this mean that the ideal partner should be like the father? Not necessary. From the point of view of psychoanalysis in a mature relationship, we correlate the partner with the images of the parents — but either with a plus sign or a minus sign. He attracts us so much because his qualities resemble (or, conversely, deny) the image of a father or mother. “In psychoanalysis, this choice is called the “search for Oedipus,” says Tatyana Alavidze. – Moreover, even if we consciously try to choose a “non-parent” – a woman unlike her mother, a man unlike her father, this means the relevance of the internal conflict and the desire to resolve it “on the contrary”. A child’s sense of security is usually associated with the image of the mother, which can be expressed in the image of a large, full partner. “A thin man in such pairs usually strives for a “nursing mother”, who seems to “absorb” him into herself and protects him, says Tatyana Alavidze. “It’s the same for a woman who prefers big men.”

“We are especially attracted to those who have both male and female features,” notes psychoanalytic psychotherapist Svetlana Fedorova. – Seeing both male and female manifestations, we guess in a person that resemblance to our father, then to our mother. This brings us back to the primordial illusion of bisexuality, which is associated with a sense of infantile omnipotence.”

On the whole, however, it would be naive to think that we «impose» on our partners the appearance of our parents. In reality, their image coincides rather not with a real father or mother, but with those unconscious ideas about parents that we develop in deep childhood.

We are looking for different projections of ourselves

Do we have general requirements for a handsome prince or princess? Of course, they must be attractive, but the concept of attractiveness varies from century to century and from culture to culture. “Choosing the “most-most”, we inevitably use hidden ideas about ourselves, project them onto the object of adoration,” Svetlana Fedorova explains our addictions. Either we attribute to our ideal the merits and demerits that we ourselves are endowed with, or, on the contrary, it embodies what (as we think) we lack. For example, unconsciously considering herself stupid and naive, a woman will find a partner who will embody wisdom and the ability to make adult decisions for her — and thus make him responsible for herself, so helpless and defenseless.

We can also “pass on” to another those qualities that we don’t like in ourselves — in this case, a partner constantly becomes a person who is weaker than us, who has the same problems as us, but in a more pronounced form. In psychoanalysis, this tactic is called «exchange of dissociations» — it allows us not to notice our own shortcomings, while the partner becomes the bearer of all those properties that we do not like in ourselves. Let’s say, to hide her own fear of action, a woman can only fall in love with weak, indecisive men suffering from depression.

Another important aspect of attractiveness is the combination of beauty and irregular, sharp, even grotesque features in appearance. “Beauty for us symbolically embodies the instinct of life, and the attractiveness of wrong, ugly features is associated with the instinct of death,” explains Svetlana Fedorova. – These two instincts are the main components of our unconscious and are closely interconnected. When they are combined in the features of one person, paradoxically, this makes him especially attractive. By themselves, wrong features frighten us, but when they are animated by the energy of life, this not only reconciles us with them, but also fills them with charm.

We have to bury the infantile ideal

Similarity with a partner is traditionally considered one of the most important criteria for an ideal combination of «halves». Not only the commonality of character traits, but also common tastes, common values, approximately the same cultural level and social circle — all this contributes to the establishment of relationships. But this is not enough for psychologists. “We definitely need to come to love and the differences of our partner. Apparently, this is generally the only way to harmonious relations,” says Helen Vecchiali.

To stay with someone whom we have taken off the pedestal, that is, we have passed the stage of accepting shortcomings, shadow sides (found both in him and in ourselves), means to bury the «infantile» ideal of a partner. And to be able to finally find the perfect partner for an adult. It is difficult for a woman to believe in such love — love that does not close its eyes to flaws, not seeking to hide them, Helen Vecchiali believes. She believes that women should go through initiation — to find and finally recognize their own fullness, not expecting that it will be brought by an ideal partner. In other words, reverse cause and effect. Perhaps this is logical: without finding harmony in relations with oneself, it is difficult to count on it in partnerships. You cannot build a strong couple, considering yourself unsuitable for building a stone. And the partner (the same worthless stone) will not help here.

“It is important to stop believing that the ideal partner is “the same as me” or someone who complements me., emphasizes Helen Vecchiali. — Of course, in order for the attraction in a couple not to die, it is necessary that there be a commonality. But in addition, there must be a difference. And that’s even more important.» She believes it’s time to take a fresh look at the story of «two halves». Dreams of a handsome prince or soul mate prevent us from progressing because they are based on the idea that I am an inferior being in search of «what once was», known and familiar. One must hope for a meeting of two full-fledged beings, who are completely turned not back, but forward. Only they can create a new union of two people. Such a union, in which not two make up one whole, but one and one, each whole in itself, make up three: themselves and their community with its endless future full of happy possibilities.