Mataupu
The notion that the body of one of the spouses, after making marriage vows, becomes the property of the other, is so ingrained in the public mind that when we talk about fidelity, we often mean fidelity of the body, not of the heart. However, today, when people are striving to find themselves and their place in the world, it is worth parting with the idea of loyalty as a social norm and talking about it as an agreement between adults who have decided that their union is the main value, it is unique and they should not take risks. .
For centuries, it was believed that fidelity in marriage is a law that begins to operate as soon as the spouses put on wedding rings. From this point on, the partners belong entirely to each other. But, unfortunately, fidelity in itself does not make a marriage happy. But infidelity will almost certainly destroy the union: even if the deceived spouse could forgive what happened, social attitudes are forced to treat any deviation from the norm sharply negatively. Cheating is one of the biggest threats to a marriage.
But perhaps we should look at loyalty and betrayal from a different angle. Approach this topic more consciously, stop relying on age-old rituals and norms and remember that when it comes to love and trust, there is no place for cliches and clichés.
Most religions insist on fidelity in marriage, but meanwhile, statistics show that moral norms and religious precepts alone do not guarantee it.
A new approach to marriage needs a definition of a «new» monogamy. It is based on the idea that fidelity is a choice we make together with our spouse. Monogamy must be negotiated at the very beginning of the relationship and these agreements must be confirmed throughout the marriage.
Before we get into what consensual fidelity is, let’s clarify what was meant by fidelity in the «old» monogamy.
Psychology of the «old» monogamy
Family therapist Esther Perel argues that monogamy is rooted in the experience of antiquity. At that time, by default, it was believed that love is selflessly given to the head of the family — without alternatives and doubts. This early experience of «oneness» implied unconditional unity.
Perel calls the old monogamy «monolithic», based on the desire to be unique, the only one for another. It was assumed that there is such a person in the world who contains everything that his partner wants. For each other, they became associates, best friends, passionate lovers. Kindred souls, halves of the whole.
Whatever we call it, the traditional view of monogamy has become the embodiment of our desire to be irreplaceable, unique.
Such uniqueness requires exclusivity, and infidelity is perceived as betrayal. And since betrayal violates the boundaries of our personality, it cannot be forgiven.
Over time, the situation has changed. Right now, the best thing spouses can do for marriage is to accept that fidelity is a belief, not a tradition or a social setting. So you agree that monogamy is no longer governed by social norms and that fidelity should be viewed as a choice that you and your partner make together throughout a marriage.
Treaty on the «new» monogamy
The agreement on the new monogamy comes from the understanding that the notion of the old monogamy is based on the ancient desire for uniqueness that we are trying to recreate in our marriage. It is much better to negotiate fidelity as a sign of the responsibility of the spouses to each other.
The desire for uniqueness in a relationship should be replaced by the understanding that you and your partner are independent people who approach marriage as a contractual process. Loyalty to relationships is important, not to individuals.
What does it take to reach an agreement
When you’re discussing a new monogamy, there are three things you need to agree on first: honesty, openness in relationships, and sexual fidelity.
faamaoni means that you are open about relationships with others — including the fact that you may like someone else and you may have fantasies about him or her.
open union suggests that you discuss the limits of your relationship with others. Is it okay to share personal information, intimate thoughts, meet colleagues, and so on.
sexual fidelity — what exactly does it mean to you. Do you allow your partner to want someone else, watch porn, have relationships online.
Sexual fidelity pact
Each of you should consider how you feel about sexual fidelity in marriage. Check out your personal take on sexual monogamy. Most likely, it was formed under the influence of family values, religious beliefs, traditional sexual roles, personal moral attitudes and personal security requirements.
Internal settings can be as follows:
«We promise to be faithful until one of us gets tired of the other»;
“I know that you will not change, but I reserve such a right”;
“I will be faithful, but you will cheat because you are a man”;
«We’ll be loyal, except for little vacation flings.»
It is important to discuss these internal attitudes at the stage of agreements on a new monogamy.
Is sexual fidelity possible in marriage?
In society, sexual fidelity in marriage is implied, but in practice, social and moral guidelines are very often violated. Perhaps now is the time to understand how love, responsibility, and sexual “oneness” are connected.
Suppose both partners agreed to be faithful to each other, but one ended up cheating. Can they be happy?
Many are simply not built for monogamy. It is believed that men are more prone to cheating. They enjoy sex without being emotionally involved, they try new things. Many married men claim that they are happy in marriage, but they cheat because they want to try something new, that they lack adventure.
Some scientists still believe that men are biologically unable to remain faithful to one partner. Even assuming that this is the case, it is important to remember that as boys grow older, they are taught that they should have sex as often as possible and always be ready for the opportunity to show themselves.
So it is still not clear what is more important — biology or education.
A man who sleeps with different women is respected, considered a «real man», «macho», «womanizer». All of these words are positive. But a woman who sleeps with a large number of men is condemned and called words with a sharply negative connotation.
Maybe it’s time to stop over-dramatizing situations when a partner steps back from marriage vows and seeks sex on the side? Maybe it’s time to start discussing sex with others as a way to solve sexual problems in couples?
It is also necessary to stipulate in advance the boundaries of what is permitted and to exclude emotional involvement. We are primarily talking about the monogamy of the heart. In this day and age, one must take into account that when it comes to love, trust, and sexual preferences, there are no laws that fit everyone.
Treaty, not tradition
Loyalty should be a conscious choice that will inspire you to be together for many years. It implies self-confidence, empathy and kindness. Loyalty is a choice you must negotiate to protect a valuable relationship while you both continue to grow and develop as individuals.
Here are a few principles of new monogamy worth adopting:
Faithfulness in marriage is not proof of your «oneness».
What matters is loyalty to the relationship, not to you as a person.
Loyalty is not a tribute to traditions, but a choice.
Loyalty is an agreement that both of you can negotiate.
The new monogamy requires an agreement on honesty, openness in relationships and sexual fidelity. Are you ready for this?