“Faiga Fa'asaina”: Faia o mea e le'i faatagaina oe e fai a'o e laititi

I walked down the street and carried a pie. Delicious, warm, freshly bought from a mini-bakery on the way home. And as soon as I brought it to my mouth, my grandmother’s voice arose in my head: “Don’t bite! Don’t eat on the go!”

Each of us has our own little joys – guilty pleasures, as they are called in the English-speaking world. There is something psychologically accurate in this expression – more accurate than even “forbidden” or “secret” joys. Perhaps “innocent” in Russian is closer, but the “not” particle radically changes the meaning. The whole charm is just, it seems, in this very feeling of guilt. Guilt is translated from English as “wine”. These are pleasures for which we feel guilty. Where does it come from?

Of course, this is the forbidden fruit. Forbidden and sweet. Many of us were given limits and rules as children. Violating them, we naturally felt guilty – for possible, as it seemed to us, negative consequences for ourselves or others – “grandmother will be upset if you do not eat the dinner she cooked”, “eating on the go is bad for digestion.” Sometimes we felt a sense of shame – if the violation had witnesses, especially those who set the ban on us.

In 1909, the Hungarian psychoanalyst Sandor Ferenczi coined the term “introjection”. So he called the unconscious process, as a result of which we take on faith in childhood, include in our inner world “introjects” – beliefs, views, rules or attitudes received from others: society, teachers, family.

This may be necessary in order for the child to comply with safety rules, norms of behavior in society and the laws of his country. But some introjects relate to everyday activities or habits. And, growing up, we can rethink them, discarding or appropriating already consciously. For example, when we care about healthy eating, mom’s “eat soup” and “do not abuse sweets” can become our own choice.

For many people, introjects remain inside, influencing behavior. Someone just continues subconsciously to fight with them, “getting stuck” in a teenage protest. And someone, not allowing himself to violate the prohibitions, fiercely condemns others for their freedom of action.

O nisi taimi, i le faagasologa o le toe mafaufau, e mafai ona teena manatu matua poʻo le faiaoga, ona tatou faʻaumatia lea o le introject, "tuu i fafo" se faʻasaina e le fetaui ma i tatou.

O mea nei o lo'o tusia e tagata fa'asalalau fa'asalalau e uiga i a latou fiafiaga ta'usalaina:

• “Ou te siva i musika ma ou taligalu a o ou savali i lalo o le auala.”
• “E mafai ona ou faia se salati mai na o tamato! E foliga mai o kukama e filifili!”
• "Ou te 'ai siamu saʻo mai le fagu, e aunoa ma le tuʻuina atu i se fagu. I le vaai a le tina matua, o se agasala lea!”
• “I can do something in the evening: go to the store at eight, start cooking soup at eleven. The family believed that everything should be done in the morning – the sooner the better. Sometimes it made sense. For example, in the store, of course, by the evening it was empty – they “threw out” something worthwhile in the morning. But then the rational basis was forgotten, and the routine remained: in the morning you can’t read, watch a movie, wallow, drink coffee for a long time … ”
• "Ou te fufui sa'o panikeke i totonu o se fagu kulimi oona a'o kuka."
• “Grown up – and I can clean up when I feel like it, and not necessarily on Saturday morning.”
• “I drink condensed cocoa straight from the can! You make two holes – and voila, the nectar is pouring!
• "Ou te le "faloloina" meaʻai suamalie e pei o le parmesan poʻo le jamon mo se taimi umi, ou te 'ai vave lava."
• “Going out to the store or with dogs in sweatpants. Parents would be shocked.”
• "A ou manaʻo e fai se faʻamama lautele poʻo le fufuluina o faʻamalama, ou te valaʻauina se auaunaga faʻamamā: naʻo se faʻanoanoa e faʻaumatia lou taimi i lenei mea. E mafai ona ou faʻaaluina le aso atoa ma se tusi i le faaiuga o le vaiaso, pe a ou manaʻo ai, ma ou te le faia se pisinisi.
• “Ou te savali faataamilo i le fale e le lavalavā (o nisi taimi ou te taina le kitara faapena).”

E aliali mai i totonu o aiga eseese e mafai ona matua fa'afeagai uiga:

• “Na amata ona ou ofuina sakete ma teuteuga!”
• "A o ou laʻitiiti, sa leʻi faʻatagaina aʻu e savali solo i ofuvae ma ofuvae, aua o oe o se teine. E leai se aoga e fai atu, i loʻu olaga matua ou te ofuina sakete ma ofu i le sili pe tasi pe faalua i le tausaga.

O le mea e mataʻina ai, o faʻamatalaga sili ona lauiloa e aofia ai "Ou te le auli," "Ou te fufulu pe a ou manaʻo ai, pe ou te le fufulu mo se taimi umi," ma le "Ou te le teu loʻu moega." Masalo i lo matou laiti o nei manaoga faamatua sa fai soo aemaise lava.

• “Na ou fasiotia le afa o loʻu tamaitiiti ona o lenei mea! Pe a ou manatua le mauga o ie lino sa tatau ona ou auli, ona ou tete ai lea!”
• “Ou te lei faia ni fata ma ni kapoti tatala i totonu o lo’u lava fale ina ia aua ne’i solo le pefu iina, ma piki i luga mea uma.”

O faʻasaina tatou te iloa e faʻamaonia e manaia, ae o loʻo tatou solia pea ma le loto i ai, e maua ai le fiafia faʻapitoa mai lenei:

• “Pe a ou alu i se nofoaga lelei e matamata ai i se ata tifaga atamai, ou te tuuina i taimi uma se fagu Riga Balsam ma se taga sukalati po o nati i laʻu ato. Ma ou te gase i lole afifi.
• “Ou te solo le fola i lo'u tamatamaivae pe a uma ona masaa le lauti suamalie. O se fiafia masalosalo, moni, o loo laa i luga o se fola pipii.
• “Ou te falai le dumplings e aunoa ma se tapuni i luga o se ogaumu faatoa uma.”
• “Ou te le sefeina le eletise. O lo'o mumu le moli i totonu o le fale mautotogi atoa.
• “Ou te le fesiitaia meaai mai ulo ma apa i fagu, ae na o le tuu i totonu o le pusaaisa. E lava lo'u avanoa, e le pei o lo'u tina.

O le teenaina o faʻasaina e mafai foi ona faʻamoemoeina i le tausiga o tamaiti:

• "O le faʻalavelave faʻapitoa e tupu i le taimi o le faʻaalia o tamaiti. E te faʻatagaina i latou mea na le faʻatagaina e ou matua oe ma oe lava: fafaga pe a e manaʻo ai, momoe faʻatasi, aua le auli lavalava (ma sili atu i itu uma e lua), taʻavale i le auala i le palapala, aua le faia ni seevae, aua fai se pulou i soo se tau. .
• “I let my son paint the wallpaper however he wanted. Everyone is happy.”

Ma o nisi taimi o le faagasologa o aoaoga tatou te manatua ai uiga faamatua, iloa lo latou talafeagai ma tuu atu ia tatou fanau:

• “When you become a parent yourself, all these restrictions come back, because you have to set an example. And wear a hat, and sweets – only after eating.
• "I le oʻo mai o tamaiti, o le tele o tapulaʻa e vave ona aoga. Ia, i se tulaga lautele, e valea le alu e aunoa ma se pulou pe a malulu, ae le fufulu ou lima aʻo leʻi 'ai. ”

O nisi o fiafiaga ua na o le solia o nisi tu masani masani:

• “E tasi lava lo'u fiafiaga tausalaina, ae peitai, e leai se tasi na faasaina a'u. O aʻu lava na aʻoaʻoina e uiga i ai i ni nai tausaga talu ai mai le televise a Amerika. O le fiafia e taoto i le mea moni o le 'aiga o le afiafi e te 'ai ... taeao. Cereal ma le susu, toast ma siamu ma isi mea fiafia. E foliga faavalevalea, ae o i latou e avea ma meaai e sili ona fiafia i ai le taeao e tatau ona talisapaia.”

“Guilty pleasures can bring more spontaneity into our lives”

Elena Chernyaeva - fomaʻi mafaufau, fomaʻi faʻamatalaga

Feelings of guilt can be roughly divided into two types – healthy and unhealthy, toxic. We may feel healthy guilt when we have done something inappropriate or harmful. This kind of guilt tells us, “You made a mistake. Do something about it.” It helps us recognize our wrong actions, prompts us to repent and correct the harm done.

O le tausalaina oona o se lagona e fesootaʻi ma se seti o tulafono patino, e tatau ona tulaʻi mai i matua, aganuu poʻo faʻalapotopotoga faʻapitoa. O le tele o taimi tatou te faʻafeiloaʻi ai i latou i le laʻitiiti, tatou te le iloa i taimi uma, tatou te le tuʻuina atu i latou i iloiloga faʻapitoa, tatou te le suʻesuʻeina pe faapefea ona fetaui ma tulaga o lo tatou olaga.

Guilt does not arise by itself – we learn to feel it at an early age, including when we are criticized, scolded for what we do wrong from the point of view of adults: parents, grandparents, educators, teachers.

O le mauaina o le tausalaina oona e faafaigofieina e le leo o le "tagata faitio i totonu", lea e taʻu mai ia i tatou o loʻo tatou faia se mea sese, aua le tausisia se seti o tulafono ma e tatau. O lenei leo e toe fai mai ai upu ma fasifuaitau na tatou faalogo muamua i ai mai isi tagata, e masani lava o tagata matutua.

O le tagata faitio i totonu o loʻo iloiloina i taimi uma a tatou upu, gaioiga ma e oʻo lava i lagona, faʻatusatusaina i tatou i se tala fatu ma faigata ona ausia. Ma talu ai tatou te le oo atu i ai: tatou te le tautala, e le gaoioi, ma le lagona “e pei ona tatau ai,” o le a i ai pea i le tagata faitio ni mafuaaga e le gata e faifai ai i tatou.

O le mea lea, e aoga le gauai atu i lagona o le tausalaina. I le lagonaina ai, e taua le taʻu atu ia i tatou lava "taofi" ma suesue mea o loʻo tupu i o tatou mafaufau ma mea o loʻo fai mai ai le leo o le faitio. E aoga le fesili ifo ia te oe lava pe o le a le faʻamoemoega o lenei leo, ma o le a le ituaiga o tiute poʻo le tulafono o loʻo i tua o le lagona o le tausalaina. Pe o nei tulafono, o faamoemoega e faamasinoina ai i tatou e le tagata faitio i totonu, ua tuai? Masalo o le taimi nei ua uma ona tatou faia ni manatu fou i le auala e fai ai.

Ma, ioe, e taua le fuafuaina o taunuuga o le faʻaaogaina o le tulafono i se tulaga faʻapitoa. O a ona aafiaga pupuu ma le umi mo i tatou ma isi tagata o loʻo aʻafia ai? Pe talafeagai ea lenei tulafono, pe a fua i ai o le a afaina ma fesoasoani? E mafai ona fesili ifo se tasi ia te ia lava pe talafeagai mo i tatou i aso nei, pe fesoasoani ia i tatou e faamalieina o tatou manaʻoga sili ona tāua.

Pe a tatou iloa po o a mea ma pe faapefea ona aafia ai a tatou amioga, ona mafai loa lea ona fai a tatou lava filifiliga, e tusa ai ma mea tatou te fiafia i ai ma tulaga faatauaina. O le iʻuga, e mafai ona tatou maua se lagona o le saʻolotoga sili atu ma le tomai e taaʻina ai o tatou olaga. O le mea lea, o fiafiaga tausalaina e mafai ona aumaia ai le tele o le olioli ma le tuufua i o tatou olaga ma avea ma laasaga agai i le olaga tatou te mamanuina i tatou lava, teena mea ua tuai ma e le aoga ia i tatou, aveese mea sa talafeagai i o tatou taimi ua tuanai, ma aumaia le mea -se mea fou.

***

Na ou ola aʻe i se taimi ua leva, ma o tapulaa lelei na tuu i loʻu ulu o loo manatua pea i loʻu mafaufau. Ma o aʻu, ua uma ona avea ma tagata matua, e mafai ona faia se filifiliga poto: ia onosai ma aumai le pai i le fale e 'ai ai ma le fale (tinamatua, e te mitamita ia te aʻu!) Borscht, pe faʻaumatia saʻo i le alu, maua le fiafia tele, fa'asilisiliina e le lagona fa'atamaitiiti lava o le fetus fa'asaina. O se lagona, e pei ona e iloa, o nisi taimi o le faʻamaʻi sili ona lelei mo fiafiaga laiti.