It is much more pleasant to suffer for the company – obviously, therefore we periodically meet chronic whiners. It’s better to get away from such people as soon as possible, otherwise that’s it – the day is gone. Eternally dissatisfied relatives, friends, colleagues do not just poison the atmosphere: researchers have found that such an environment is seriously harmful to health.
Have you ever wondered why people complain? Why do some express dissatisfaction only occasionally, while others always do poorly? What does it really mean to “complain”?
Psychologist Robert Biswas-Diener believes that complaining is a way to express dissatisfaction. But how and how often people do it is another question. Most of us have a certain limit for complaints, but some of us have it too high.
The tendency to whine primarily depends on the ability to maintain control over circumstances. The more helpless a person is, the more often he complains about life. Other factors also influence: psychological endurance, age, the desire to avoid scandal or “save face”.
There is another reason that has nothing to do with specific situations: negative thinking colors everything that happens in black. The environment plays a big role here. Studies show that children of negatively minded parents grow up with the same worldview and also begin to constantly whine and complain about fate.
E tolu ituaiga o faitioga
By and large, everyone complains, but everyone has a different way of doing it.
1. Chronic whining
Everyone has at least one such friend. Complainers of this type see only problems and never solutions. Everything is always bad for them, regardless of the situation itself and its consequences.
Experts believe that their brains are pre-wired for negative perceptions, as the tendency to see the world exclusively in a gloomy light has grown into a steady trend. This affects their mental and physical state and inevitably affects others. However, chronic complainers are not hopeless. People with such a mindset are able to change – the main thing is that they themselves want it and are ready to work on themselves.
2. “Steam Reset”
The main motive of such complainers lies in emotional dissatisfaction. They are fixated on themselves and their own experiences – mostly negative ones. Showing anger, annoyance or resentment, they rely on the attention of their interlocutors. It is enough for them to be listened to and sympathized with – then they feel their own significance. As a rule, such people dismiss advice and proposed solutions. They don’t want to decide anything, they want recognition.
Steam release and chronic whining share a common side effect: both are depressing. Psychologists conducted a series of experiments, assessing the mood of the participants before and after the complaints. As expected, those who had to listen to complaints and grumbling felt disgusting. Remarkably, the complainants did not feel any better.
3. Constructive complaints
Unlike the two previous types, a constructive complaint is aimed at solving a problem. For example, when you blame your partner for overspending on a credit card, this is a constructive complaint. Especially if you clearly indicate the possible consequences, insist on the need to save money and offer to think together how to proceed. Unfortunately, such complaints account for only 25% of the total.
How whiners affect others
1. Empathy promotes negative thinking
It turns out that the ability to compassion and the ability to imagine yourself in a strange place can do a disservice. Listening to a whiner, we involuntarily experience his feelings: anger, despair, discontent. The more often we are among such people, the stronger the neural connections with negative emotions become. Simply put, the brain learns a negative way of thinking.
2. Health problems begin
Being among those who constantly curse circumstances, people and the whole world is a considerable stress for the body. As mentioned above, the brain tries to adapt to the emotional state of a person who complains, so we also get angry, annoyed, upset, sad. As a result, levels of cortisol, known as the stress hormone, rise.
At the same time as cortisol, adrenaline is produced: in this way, the hypothalamus reacts to a possible threat. As the body prepares to “defend itself”, the heart rate increases and blood pressure rises. Blood rushes to the muscles, and the brain is tuned to decisive action. The sugar level also rises, because we need energy.
If this is repeated regularly, the body learns a “stress pattern”, and the risk of developing hypertension, cardiovascular disease, diabetes and obesity increases many times over.
3. Decreased brain volume
Regular stress worsens not only the general state of health: the brain literally begins to dry out.
A report published by the Stanford News Service describes the effects of stress hormones on rats and baboons. It has been found that animals respond to prolonged stress by actively releasing glucocorticoids, which leads to shrinkage of brain cells.
A similar conclusion was made on the basis of MRI. Scientists compared images of the brains of people who matched in age, gender, weight and level of education, but differed in that some had long suffered from depression, while others did not. The hippocampus of depressed participants was 15% smaller. The same study compared the outcomes of Vietnam War veterans with and without a diagnosis of PTSD. It turned out that the hippocampus of the participants in the first group is 25% smaller.
The hippocampus is an important part of the brain that is responsible for memory, attention, learning, spatial navigation, target behavior, and other functions. And if it shrinks, all processes fail.
In the described cases, the researchers were unable to either prove or disprove that it was glucocorticoids that caused the “shrinkage” of the brain. But since the phenomenon has been noted in patients with Cushing’s syndrome, there is every reason to believe that the same thing happens with depression and PTSD. Cushing’s syndrome is a severe neuroendocrine disorder caused by a tumor. It is accompanied by intensive production of glucocorticoids. As it turned out, it is this reason that leads to the reduction of the hippocampus.
How to stay positive among whiners
Choose your friends right
Relatives and colleagues are not chosen, but we may well decide with whom to be friends. Surround yourself with positive people.
Ia loto faafetai
Positive thoughts generate positive feelings. Every day, or at least a couple of times a week, write down what you are grateful for. Remember: in order for a bad thought to lose its power, you need to think twice about a good one.
Don’t waste your energy on chronic whiners
You can sympathize as much as you want with people who complain about their hard life, but it is useless to help them. They are used to seeing only the bad, so our good intentions can turn against us.
Use the “sandwich method”
Start with a positive affirmation. Then express concern or complaint. In the end, say that you hope for a successful outcome.
Engage empathy
Since you have to work side by side with the complainer, do not forget that such people are counting on attention and recognition. In the interest of the cause, show empathy, and then remind them that it’s time to get on with the job.
Tumau Mafaufau
Watch your behavior and thinking. Make sure you don’t copy negative people and don’t spread negativity yourself. Often we do not even notice that we are complaining. Pay attention to your words and actions.
Aloese mai le faitala
Many of us are used to getting together and unanimously disapproving of someone’s behavior or situation, but this leads to even more dissatisfaction and more complaints.
Faʻamama le popole
Holding back stress is extremely harmful, and sooner or later it will lead to dire consequences. Walk, play sports, admire nature, meditate. Do things that will allow you to move away from the whiner or stressful situation and maintain peace of mind.
Think Before Complaining
If you feel like complaining, make sure the problem is real and can be fixed, and whoever you’re going to talk to can suggest a way out.
Being among chronic whiners is not only uncomfortable, but also dangerous to health. The habit of complaining reduces mental capacity, increases blood pressure and sugar levels. Try to communicate with chronic whiners as little as possible. Believe me, you will not lose anything, but, on the contrary, you will become healthier, more attentive and happier.
About the Expert: Robert Biswas-Diener is a positive psychologist and author of The Big Book of Happiness and The Courage Ratio.