We tell people and ourselves the stories of our lives—about who we are, what happened to us, and what the world is like. In each new relationship, we are free to choose what to talk about and what not. What makes us repeat the negative over and over again? After all, the story of life, even a very difficult one, can be told in such a way that it will give us strength, inspire, and not anger or turn into a victim.
Few realize that the stories we tell about our past change our future. They form views and perceptions, influence the choice, further actions, which ultimately determine our destiny.
The key to getting through life without getting angrier with every setback is forgiveness, says Tracey McMillan, a best-selling psychological author and winner of the Writers Guild of America Award for Outstanding Writing for a Psychological Series. Learn to think differently and talk about what happened in your life — especially about events that cause frustration or anger.
You have absolute power over your story. Undoubtedly, other people will try to convince you to accept their version of what happened, but the choice is yours. Tracey McMillan tells how this happened in her life.
Tracy Macmillan
The story of my life (scenario #1)
“I was raised by foster parents. Before I started creating my own life story, it looked something like this. I was born. My mother, Linda, left me. My dad, Freddie, went to jail. And I went through a series of foster families, until I finally settled in a good family, where I lived for four years.
Then my dad came back, claimed me, and took me away from that family to live with him and his girlfriend. Shortly after that, he disappeared again, and I stayed with his girlfriend until I was 18, who was not at all easy to live with.
Change your perspective on your life story and anger will naturally disappear.
My perception of life was dramatic and matched the post-high school version of my story: «Tracey M.: Unwanted, Unloved, and Lonely.»
I was terribly angry at Linda and Freddie. They were terrible parents and treated me rudely and unfairly. Right?
No, it’s wrong. Because this is just one point of view on the facts. Here is the revised version of my story.
The story of my life (scenario #2)
«I was born. As I grew up a little, I looked at my father, who was, frankly, a heavy drinker, at my mother who had abandoned me, and I said to myself: “Of course, I can do better than them.”
I climbed out of my skin and after several unsuccessful attempts, from which I learned a lot of useful knowledge about life and people, I still managed to get into a very pleasant family of a Lutheran priest.
He had a wife and five kids, and there I got a taste of middle-class life, went to a great private school, and lived that quiet, stable life that I would never have had with Linda and Freddie.
Before I had my teenage rifts with these wonderful but extremely conservative people, I ended up in the home of a feminist who introduced me to a lot of radical ideas and the art world and — perhaps most importantly — allowed me to watch TV for hours, thus preparing ground for my current career as a television writer.»
Try to look at all events differently: you may be able to shift the focus
Guess which version of this movie has a happy ending?
Start thinking about how to rewrite your life story. Pay attention to episodes where you were in great pain: an unpleasant breakup after college, a long streak of loneliness in your 30s, a stupid childhood, a major career disappointment.
Try to look at all the events differently: you may be able to shift the focus and not experience more strong unpleasant experiences. And if you manage to laugh at the same time, so much the better. Let yourself be creative!
This is your life and you only live once. Change your view of your story, rewrite your life script so that it fills you with inspiration and new strength. Underlying anger will naturally disappear.
If old experiences come back again, try not to pay attention to them — it is important for you to create a new story. It’s not easy at first, but soon you will notice that positive changes begin to occur in your life.