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Faced with psychological abuse in a close relationship, it is incredibly difficult to open up to someone again. You sincerely want to fall in love, but the fear of being again the object of humiliation and obsessive control prevents you from trusting another person.
Having mastered a certain model of relationships, many reproduce it again and again. What should be considered in order not to step on the same rake? Expert advice to those who have already experienced partner abuse.
Understand mistakes
The experience of a toxic relationship could be so traumatic that you probably wondered more than once: why did you need it, why did you stay with a partner who hurt you for so long? “This kind of self-reflection is useful and necessary,” says psychologist Marcia Sirota. “Understand (on your own or with the help of a therapist) what held you so strongly in that relationship.”
Realizing what attracted you to that person, you will feel more confident and understand that you can change the usual system of relationships. Then you will be less receptive to a person of a similar type, and at the same time you will quickly lose attractiveness for manipulators.
“The main thing when analyzing a former life, do not be too self-critical and do not blame yourself for staying with a partner for so long,” adds Marcia Sirota. “Look at your actions and decisions soberly, but with great sympathy and stop reproaching yourself and being ashamed.”
Imagine a future relationship
“Some time after the breakup, take a piece of paper and write down how you see your next relationship: what you expect from them and what you are not ready to accept in them,” advises family therapist Abby Rodman. List the things you will not tolerate. And when the new romance begins to grow into something more, take out this list and show it to your partner. Close people should respect each other’s personal boundaries. This is especially important if one of them has already experienced violence in the past.”
Remind yourself of your needs
You spent years with someone who humiliated you and made you think your needs meant nothing. Therefore, before considering the possibility of a new relationship, listen to yourself, reanimate your dreams and desires. “Decide what you are interested in and what you really want from life,” urges American psychotherapist Margaret Paul.
Reconnect with old friends. This way you will have a reliable support group by the time you enter into a new relationship.
Pay attention to how you treat yourself. Maybe judge yourself too harshly? Maybe you gave your partner the right to decide how valuable you are and what you deserve? People around us often treat us the way we treat ourselves. So don’t reject or betray yourself. Once you learn to take care of yourself, you will find that you attract loving and trustworthy people.
Restore connections
Most likely, the former partner controlled your free time and did not allow you to communicate much with friends and relatives. Now that you’re on your own again, take the time to reconnect with old friends. This way you will have a reliable support group by the time you enter into a new relationship.
“Forgetting about friends and loved ones, you become completely dependent on one person, which makes it difficult to later part with him,” explains clinical psychologist Craig Malkin, a teacher at Harvard Medical School. — In addition, friends often see what you may not notice, because falling in love clouds the mind. By discussing your feelings and sensations with those who know you well, you will see the situation more clearly.
Notice the danger
“Don’t allow yourself to rely on bad experiences and think that you are not capable of a happy, healthy relationship,” says psychologist Kristin Devin. You will find love, you just need to stay in touch with your own needs. Be careful and do not miss the danger signals — they are usually known to everyone, but many often ignore them.
Your partner may have been gaslighting to make you question your own worth.
“Honest conversations between partners about the past, about traumatic experiences, is the key to building trust in a new relationship,” recalls Abby Rodman. Share what you experienced at that moment and how it destroyed your self-esteem. Let the new partner see that you have not yet recovered and you need time for this. In addition, his reaction to your candor will tell you a lot about this person.
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“When you put up with abuse, you begin to ignore your intuition,” adds Craig Malkin. — One form of emotional abuse — gaslighting — is to make you doubt your own adequacy when you feel that something is going wrong. For example, when you admitted to a partner that you doubt his fidelity, he may have called you mentally unbalanced.
If something is bothering you, do not think that you are paranoid, rather try to deal with the subject of concern. “Tell your partner how you feel,” the expert advises. “Even if you are wrong, someone who respects you and is capable of empathy will take the time to discuss your concerns with you. If he refuses, then, apparently, your instinct did not deceive you.
“Promise yourself that from now on you will honestly tell your partner everything that does not suit you,” concludes Abby Rodman. “If he is interested in you coping with an injury, he will not close in response, but will try to help.”