It would seem that since you were offended, then it’s up to you to decide whether to forgive a person or make him apologize a couple more times. But in reality, everything is much more complicated. If you want to maintain a relationship with your offender, then you cannot refuse to forgive him, otherwise your chances of reconciliation will be zero.
This conclusion was reached by Australian psychologists, whose article was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin..
Michael Tai of the University of Queensland and his colleagues conducted four psychological experiments. During the first, participants were asked to recall situations when they offended someone, and then sincerely apologized to the victim. Half of the participants had to describe in writing how they felt when forgiveness was received, and the rest when they were not forgiven.
It turned out that those who remained unforgiven perceived the reaction of the victim as a flagrant violation of social norms. The refusal to «forgive and forget» made the offenders feel like they were losing control of the situation.
As a result, the offender and the victim switched roles: the one who initially acted unfairly got the feeling that the victim is he, that he was offended. In this situation, the chances for a peaceful settlement of the conflict become minimal — the “offended” offender regrets that he asked for forgiveness and does not want to put up with the victim.
The results obtained were confirmed in the course of three other experiments. As the authors note, the very fact of an apology from the offender returns power over the situation to the hands of the victim, who can either forgive him or hold a grudge. In the latter case, relationships between people can be destroyed forever.
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