Mataupu
Mélanie is not the only mother-in-law to find herself in failure when faced with the challenge of a blended family …
Choosing a man is not choosing his children!
The statistics are edifying: more than two thirds of remarriages end in separation when the partners already have children! The cause: conflicts between step-parents and step-children. Everyone embarks on this adventure with a maximum of good will, love, hope, but the expected success is not necessarily there. Why such a rate of fiascos? Because of the many decoys that prevent the protagonists from having a realistic vision of what really awaits them when they engage in this family model. One of the first, formidable lures, is this generalized belief that love, by its power alone, overcomes all difficulties, overturns all obstacles. It is not because we madly love a man that we are going to love our children! On the contrary even. Realizing that you have to share the man you love is not easy, especially when his children mean that you are not welcome. Nor is it easy to love a child from a previous union who vividly embodies that there was another woman in the past, another relationship that mattered to her companion. Even for those who have the best intentions in the world and who are ready to wonder what this jealousy reacts to their personal history, and why they feel so threatened by this ex-girlfriend who is no longer a rival in love. Our society considers that a woman loves children, her own of course, and those of others. Isn’t it normal not to feel “motherly” with a child who is not yours?
For Pauline, 4-year-old Chloe’s mother-in-law, the problem is more important, she does not appreciate her daughter-in-law at all: “It’s hard to admit, but I don’t like this little girl. have nothing against her, but I have no fun taking care of her, I find her temperamental, annoying, goofy, crybaby and I look forward to the end of the weekend. I pretend to like him because I know that is what his father expects from me. He wants everything to be fine when his daughter is with us, and especially no conflicts. So I play the part, but without real conviction. ”
There is no point in blaming yourself, you have chosen to love this man but not chosen his children. You don’t force yourself to love, it’s there, it’s great, but it’s not the end of the world, if it isn’t. We rarely love our stepchildren from the first moment, we appreciate them over time, it can take months or even years. No need to force yourself because the child will perceive if the maternal attitude is feigned. Discovering motherhood with the child of another is not easy. The ideal is to question yourself and lay the foundations before meeting them, to imagine yourself in this configuration, to talk about your fears, your fears, define the roles of each : what place are you going to take with my children? What do you want to do? And you, what do you expect from me? We avoid many future quarrels by immediately setting concrete limits on what we agree to do and what we absolutely do not want to do: “I do not know them, but I reserve the right to do this. , but not that. I’m fine with shopping, preparing meals, washing her clothes, but I’d rather you take care of making her take her bath, read her the evening stories to put her to sleep, than you do. take them to play in the park. For now, I’m not comfortable with kisses, hugs, it’s not a rejection, it may change over the months, but you have to understand it. “
Blended family: it takes time to tame
If it takes time for a stepmother to tame her stepchildren, the converse is true. Mathilde experienced this with Maxence and Dorothée, two little imps aged 5 and 7: “Their father told me, ‘you will see, my daughter and my son will adore you”. In fact, they treated me like an intruder, they didn’t listen to me. Maxence refused to eat what I prepared and talked all the time about his mother and her wonderful cooking. Mathilde always came to sit between her father and me, and had a fit as soon as he took my hand or kissed me! »Even if it is hard to bear, it must be understood that the aggressiveness of a child seeing a new woman land in his life is natural, because he is reacting to the situation that is stressing him and not to you as a person. Christophe Fauré advises depersonalization to make things right: “It is the unique place you occupy, your status as a stepmother, regardless of who you are, that motivates the child’s hostility. Any new companion would face the same relationship difficulties that you encounter today. Understanding it helps to depersonalize the attacks and assaults that target you. Aggression is also linked to the experience of insecurity, the child fears losing the love of his parent, he thinks he will love him less. This is why it is essential to reassure him and to secure him by reaffirming to him How long he matters, by telling him in simple words that parental love exists forever, no matter what, even if his mum and daddy have separated, even though they are living with a new partner. You have to allow time, not to push the stepchildren and they end up adapting. If they see that their mother-in-law / father is a factor of stability for their father / mother and for themselves, if she is there, if she holds up against all odds, if she brings balance, joy of living, of security in the house, their outlook will become positive.
In cases of very marked hostility, a mother-in-law may choose to delegate discipline to the father for do not impose yourself in a too authoritarian way. This is what Noémie, 4-year-old Théo’s mother-in-law, did: “I positioned myself on the pleasant, I took her on a swing, at the zoo, to gradually gain her confidence. Little by little, I was able to impose my authority smoothly. “
Candice, she chose to invest at least in the relationship with her stepdaughter Zoe, 6 years old: “As I saw that the current went badly between Zoe and me, and that I did not see myself doing” the gendarmette who screams all the time ”, I let his father manage as much as possible during the weekend. I took the opportunity to see friends, go shopping, go to the museum, to the hairdresser, to take care of myself. I was happy, Zoe and my boyfriend too, because he needed to see his daughter face-to-face, without the nasty step-doche! Co-parenting is a choice and a step-parent is not obliged to position himself as the bearer of the law if he does not want to. It is up to each blended family to find the modus vivendi that suits them, on condition that they do not let stepchildren make the law, because it is not good for them or for the parents.
When beautiful children refuse the authority of their mother-in-law, it is imperative that their father practice the policy of fait accompli and stand united with the newcomer to the family: “This lady is my new lover. As she is an adult, that she is my companion and that she will live with us, she has the right to tell you what to do in this house. You don’t agree, but that’s how it is. I love you, but I will always agree with her because we discussed it together. “Faced with classic attacks of the type:” You’re not my mother! », Prepare your lines – No, I am not your mother, but I am the adult in this house. There are rules, and they apply to you too! – A clarification is also necessary when faced with a child who continually refers to his mother when he spends the weekend with his father: “When you talk about your mother all the time, it hurts me. I respect her, she must be a great mom, but when you’re home, it would be nice of you not to talk about it. “
The greater or lesser difficulty in imposing one’s authority is partly linked to the age of the children the mother-in-law will have to take care of. A priori, it is easier with toddlers because they have experienced the divorce as a violent trauma and they have a great need for emotional security. The new companion, the new house, the new home, allow them to have bearings, to know where they are in the world. As Christophe André explains: “Children under 10 are generally less resistant to the authority of a step-parent. They adapt faster, they are more accommodating, rules are more easily imposed on them. Especially if the young stepmom takes the trouble to ask the dad about the little rituals and the habits of the child to reinforce his feeling of rediscovered security. »He sleeps with his blankie like this, she likes to be told such and such a story before going to sleep, he loves Cantonese tomatoes and rice, for breakfast she eats cheese, her favorite color is red , etc.
Dialogue with the father is essential
All this information makes it possible to quickly create a certain complicity provided, of course, that the mother’s speech does not interfere with everything. This is what Laurène, mother-in-law of Lucien, 5, understood:
If a minimum of communication is possible between the mother and the new partner, if they are able to discuss the best interests of the child, it is better for everyone. But this is not always possible. We can easily understand that a mother is jealous, anxious to entrust her children to a complete stranger, but her hostility can become a real danger for the couple and the blended family. This is the bitter observation made by Camille: “When I met Vincent, I never imagined that his ex-wife would have such an influence on my daily life. She gives instructions, criticizes me, changes weekends as she pleases and tries to undermine our relationship by manipulating her 4 year old daughter. To resolve such a situation, dialogue with the father is essential. It’s up to him to set limits and reframe her ex-girlfriend whenever she interferes with the functioning of her new family. For their emotional peace of mind, Christophe Fauré recommends that mothers-in-law show respect towards their spouse’s ex, stay neutral, never to criticize her in front of the stepchildren, not to place the child in a situation where he should choose between his mother-in-law and his parent (he will always take his parent’s side, even if he is wrong ) and behave neither as a rival nor as a substitute. He also suggests that they avoid demonstrations of love in front of the children so as not to hold them up. Before, their daddy would kiss their mom, it’s a shock to them and they don’t have to be involved in adult sexuality, it’s none of their business. If you follow these great tips, building a successful blended family is possible. Despite the difficulties encountered, nothing is definitely set in stone when it comes to relationships with your stepchildren. Over time, everything can evolve, unravel and become downright fun. You will neither be the “bad stepmother” nor the perfect super-stepmom, but you will eventually find your place!
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