Many of us have that very friend who, getting into her “sore” topic, cannot stop. “No, well, can you imagine …” — the story begins, familiar to a nervous tick. And we don’t even imagine how it is possible to represent the same thing for the hundred and eighteenth time. It’s just that it triggers the mechanism inherent in each of us to fixate on unjustified expectations. In the most severe, pathological case, this obsession can develop into an obsession.
We are both victims and hostages of our own expectations: from people, from situations. We are more accustomed and calmer when our picture of the world “works”, and we do our best to interpret events in a way that is understandable to us. We believe that the world functions according to our internal laws, we «foresee» it, it is clear to us — at least as long as our expectations come true.
If we are used to seeing reality in black colors, we are not surprised that someone is trying to deceive us, to rob us. But to believe in an act of good will does not work. Rose-colored glasses just paint the world in more cheerful colors, but the essence does not change: we remain in captivity of illusions.
Disappointment is the path of the enchanted. But we are all enchanted, without exception. This world is crazy, many-sided, incomprehensible. Sometimes the basic laws of physics, anatomy, biology are violated. The prettiest girl in the class is suddenly smart. Losers and loafers are successful startups. And the promising excellent student, who was predicted to achieve achievements in the field of science, is mainly engaged in his personal plot: he is already doing well.
Perhaps it is this uncertainty that makes the world so fascinating and frightening. Children, lovers, parents, close friends. How many people fall short of our expectations. Our. Expectations. And this is the whole point of the question.
Expectations are only ours, and no one else’s. A person lives the way he lives, and appealing to a sense of guilt, honor and duty is the last thing. Seriously — no «as a decent person you should …» Nobody owes us anything. It’s sad, it’s sad, it’s embarrassing. It knocks the ground out from under your feet, but it’s true: no one here owes anything to anyone.
Admittedly, this is not the most popular position. And yet, in a world where the government advocates for hypothetically hurt feelings, here and there voices are heard that we are responsible for our own feelings.
The one who owns the expectations is responsible for the fact that they are not met. Other people’s expectations do not belong to us. We simply do not have a chance to match them. And so it is the same for others.
What will we choose: will we blame others or will we doubt our own adequacy?
Let’s not forget: from time to time, you and I do not justify other people’s expectations. Faced with accusations of selfishness and irresponsibility, it is useless to make excuses, argue and try to prove anything. All we can do is say, “I’m sorry you’re so upset. I’m sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations. But here I am. And I don’t consider myself selfish. And it hurts me that you think I’m like that. It remains only to try to do what we can. And hope that others will do the same.
Not living up to other people’s expectations and being disappointed by yourself is unpleasant, sometimes even painful. Shattered illusions damage self-esteem. Shaken foundations force us to reconsider our view of ourselves, our intellect, the adequacy of our perception of the world. What will we choose: will we blame others or will we doubt our own adequacy? Pain puts on the scales the two most significant quantities — our self-esteem and the significance of another person.
Ego or love? There are no winners in this fight. Who needs a strong ego without love, who needs love when you consider yourself a nobody? Most people fall into this trap sooner or later. We get out of it scratched, dented, lost. Someone calls to see this as a new experience: oh, how easy it is to judge from the outside!
But one day wisdom overtakes us, and with it acceptance. Subsided ardor and the ability not to expect miracles from another. Loving the child in him that he once was. To see in it depth and wisdom, and not the reactive behavior of a creature that has fallen into a trap.
We know that our loved one is bigger and better than this particular situation that once so disappointed us. And finally, we understand that our possibilities of control are not unlimited. We let things just happen to us.
And that’s when the real miracles begin.