O le tala o le "leaga" ma le "lelei" lagona

«Do not worry». We hear this phrase since childhood from relatives, teachers and outsiders who see our concern. And we get the first instruction on how to treat negative emotions. Namely, they should be avoided. But why?

leaga lelei fautuaga

O se faiga lelei i lagona e ta'u mai ai e taua uma mo le nofo lelei o le mafaufau. O lagona o faailoilo ia e maua ai se faailo: e matautia iinei, e mafanafana iina, e mafai ona e faauo i lenei tagata, ae sili atu le mataala. O le a'oa'oina ina ia nofouta ia i latou e matua'i taua ma e uiga ese lava pe aisea e le'i fa'alauiloaina ai e le a'oga se a'oa'oga i lagona tusitusi.

What exactly is bad advice — «do not worry»? We say it with good intentions. We want to help. In fact, such help only leads a person away from understanding himself. Belief in the magical power of «don’t worry» is based on the idea that some emotions are unambiguously negative and should not be experienced.

Psychologist Peter Breggin, in his book Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety, teaches us to ignore what he calls «negatively trailed emotions.» As a psychiatrist, Breggin regularly sees people who blame themselves for everything, suffer from shame and worry forever.

E moni e manaʻo o ia e fesoasoani iā ​​i latou. O se manaoga tele lea faaletagata. Ae, o le taumafai e faʻafefe le aʻafiaga leaga, na faʻasalalau e Breggin ia lava aafiaga.

Lapala i totonu, lapisi i fafo

When we divide emotions into strictly positive (and therefore desirable) and negative (unwanted) emotions, we find ourselves in a situation that programmers call «Garbage in, Garbage Out» (GIGO for short). If you enter the wrong line of code into a program, it will either not work or it will throw errors.

O le tulaga o le “Tapu i totonu, lapisi i fafo” e tupu pe a tatou mafaufau loloto i ni manatu sese e uiga i lagona. Afai e te maua, o le a sili atu ona e le mautonu i ou lagona ma leai se agavaa faʻalagona.

1. O le talafatu o le valevale o lagona: pe a tatou fai ma sui o lagona taitasi i tulaga pe manaia pe le fiafia, pe manaomia mo i tatou pe leai.

2. Tapulaa i le galue ma lagona: pe a tatou talitonu e tatau ona taofiofia pe faʻaalia lagona. Matou te le iloa pe faʻafefea ona suʻesuʻeina le lagona o loʻo ufitia ai i matou, ma matou taumafai e faʻaumatia i se taimi vave e mafai ai.

3. Fa'atamala i le fa'anenefu: pe a tatou le malamalama o lagona taitasi e tele gradations o le malosi. Afai tatou te lagona sina ita i se galuega fou, e lē faapea ai ua sesē le filifiliga ma e tatau ona tatou tuu loa.

4.Faafaigofieina: pe a tatou le iloa e tele lagona e mafai ona oʻo i le taimi e tasi, e mafai ona feteʻenaʻi, ma e le o se mafuaaga lea e masalosalo ai i lo tatou soifua maloloina o le mafaufau.

O le talafatu o le valency o lagona

O lagona o le tali atu lea a le mafaufau i faʻamalosi i fafo ma totonu. I totonu ia i latou lava, latou te le lelei pe leaga. Na'o latou faia se galuega fa'apitoa e mana'omia mo le ola. I le lalolagi faʻaonaponei, e masani ona tatou le tau mo le ola i le uiga moni, ma o loʻo tatou taumafai e pulea lagona le talafeagai. Ae o nisi e agai i luma, ma taumafai e aveese atoatoa mai le olaga mea e aumaia ai lagona le lelei.

E ala i le fa'aliliuina o lagona i le le lelei ma le lelei, tatou te tu'u'ese'ese faafoliga a tatou tali mai le tala na fa'aalia ai. E le afaina pe aisea tatou te le fiafia ai, o le mea taua o lona uiga o le a tatou foliga oona i le taumafataga o le afiafi.

I totonu o le pisinisi pisinisi, o faʻaaliga o lagona e fesoʻotaʻi ma le manuia e sili ona taua: musumusuga, mautinoa, toʻa. I se isi itu, o le faanoanoa, popole ma le fefe ua manatu o se faailoga o le leiloa.

O le faiga uliuli-ma-paʻepaʻe i lagona e taʻu mai ai e tatau ona tau le "le lelei" (e ala i le taofiofia pe, i se isi itu, tuʻuina atu ia latou sasaa), ma o le "lelei" e tatau ona faʻaleleia i totonu ia te ia lava pe, i le sili ona leaga, fa'aalia. Ae o se taunuuga, o le mea lea e oʻo atu ai i le ofisa o le psychotherapist: e le mafai ona tatou tatalia le avega o faʻalavelave faʻalavelave ma e le mafai ona iloa mea tatou te lagona moni.

Faiga Fa'aalofa

O le talitonu i lagona leaga ma lagona lelei e faigata ai ona iloa lo latou taua. Mo se faʻataʻitaʻiga, o le mataʻu lelei e taofia ai i tatou mai le faia o tulaga lamatia e le manaʻomia. O le popole i le soifua maloloina e mafai ona fa'aosofia oe e tu'u mea'ai leaga ae ta'alo ta'aloga. E fesoasoani le ita ia te oe e tu atu ai mo au aia tatau, ma e fesoasoani le maasiasi ia te oe e pulea au amioga ma faafetaui ou manaoga ma manaoga o isi.

Trying to evoke emotions in ourselves for no reason, we violate their natural regulation. For example, a girl is going to get married, but she doubts that she loves her chosen one and will love him in the future. However, she persuades herself: “He carries me in his arms. I should be happy. All this is nonsense.» Trying to drown out emotions, we do not get rid of them. We train ourselves not to listen to intuition and not to try to act in accordance with it.

O le fa'auiga alofa o lona uiga tatou te talia se lagona ma taumafai e malamalama i le tala na alia'e mai ai. Pe e faatatau i le tulaga o loo e iai i le taimi nei? Na i ai se mea na fa'alavelave ia te oe, fa'afefe oe, pe fa'afefe oe? Aisea ua e lagona ai faapea? Pe e te lagona e pei o se mea ua uma ona e oo i ai? E ala i le fesili ifo ia i tatou lava, e mafai ai ona tatou maua se malamalama loloto atu i le ute o aafiaga ma faia ia aoga mo i tatou.

E uiga i le Tagata Tomai: Carla McLaren o se tagata suʻesuʻe faʻaagafesootai, na faia le aʻoaʻoga o le Dynamic Emotional Integration, ma le tusitala o le Art of Empathy: Faʻafefea ona Faʻaaoga lou Tomai Sili o le Ola.