O ai e tautala i loʻu ulu: ia iloa oe lava

The concept of subpersonalities was developed in the 1980s by psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone.¹. Their method is called Dialogue with Voices. The point is to identify the different facets of our personality, call each by name and see it as a separate character. The coordinate system changes a lot when we understand that the inner world is not reducible to a single identity. This allows us to accept the inner world in all its richness.

Components of my “I”

“A person is a complex system that is difficult to grasp with understanding all at once,” says transactional psychoanalyst Nikita Erin. – Therefore, whether we want to understand ourselves or another, in order to facilitate this task, we try to distinguish between individual elements of the system, and then combine them into “I am a person who …”.

With such an “elementary” approach, the specificity of perception increases. What is more useful to know: that “he is a so-so person” or that “he does a good job, but the way he behaves with others does not suit me”? The same person manifests himself in different ways depending on the circumstances, the environment, his own mental and physical well-being.

As a rule, subpersonalities arise as a protective psychological mechanism. For example, a vulnerable child growing up in an authoritarian family is likely to develop the subpersonality “Obediant Baby”. She will help him avoid the wrath of his parents and receive love and care. And the opposite subpersonality, the “Rebel”, will be suppressed: even growing up, he will continue to follow the habit of subduing his inner impulses and demonstrating compliance, even when it would be useful for him to behave differently.

The suppression of one of the subpersonalities creates internal tension and depletes our strength. That is why it is so important to bring shadow (rejected) subpersonalities into the light, emphasizes Nikita Erin.

Suppose a business woman has a suppressed subpersonality “Mom”. Three steps will help bring it to light.

1. Analysis and description of behavior. “If I want to be a mom, I’ll try to think and act like a mom.”

2. Malamalama. “What does it mean to me to be a mother? How is it to be her?

3. Eseesega. “How many different roles do I play?”

If a subpersonality is driven deep into the unconscious, the risk increases that in the event of a crisis it will come to the fore and cause serious destruction in our lives. But if we accept all our subpersonalities, even the shadow ones, the risk will decrease.

Talanoaga filemu

Different parts of our personality do not always live in harmony. Often there is an internal conflict between our Parent and Child: these are two of the three basic states of “I” that the psychoanalyst Eric Berne described (see box on the next page).

“Suppose someone from the Child state wants to be a dancer, and from the Parent state he is convinced that the best profession in the world is a doctor,” says psychologist Anna Belyaeva. – And now he works as a doctor and does not feel fulfilled. In this case, psychological work with him is aimed at resolving this conflict and strengthening the Adult state, which includes the ability for impartial analysis and decision-making. As a result, there is an expansion of consciousness: the client begins to see the possibilities of how to do what he loves. And the options may be different.

One will sign up for waltz lessons in his spare time, the other will find an opportunity to earn money by dancing and change his profession. And the third will understand that this childhood dream has already lost its relevance.

In psychotherapeutic work, the client learns to independently understand his inner Child, calm him down, support him, give him permission. Be your Caring Parent and turn the volume down on your Critical Parent. Activate your Adult, take responsibility for yourself and your life.

Subpersonalities can be understood not only as states of our “I”, but also as social roles. And they can conflict too! Thus, the role of a housewife often conflicts with that of a successful professional. And choosing only one of them sometimes means not feeling like a fully realized person. Or one of the subpersonalities may negatively evaluate the decision made by the other, as happened with 30-year-old Antonina.

“I turned down a promotion because I would have to spend more time at work, and I want to see how our children grow up,” she says. – But soon the thought came to me that I was ruining my talent, and I felt remorse, although I was not going to change anything. Then I realized that these thoughts are reminiscent of my mother’s voice: “A woman cannot sacrifice herself to the family!” It is strange that in reality my mother did not condemn me at all. I talked to her, and then my “inner mother” left me alone.”

O ai o ai

Each story is unique, and different conflicts hide behind the feeling of dissatisfaction. “The study of various states of the “I” or subpersonalities helps the client to find and resolve their own internal contradictions in the future,” Anna Belyaeva is sure.

To determine which subpersonalities we have, a list of character traits, both positive and negative, will help. For example: Kind, Workaholic, Bore, Activist… Ask each of these subpersonalities: how long have you been living in my mind? In what situations do you appear most often? What is your positive intention (what good are you doing for me)?

Try to understand what energy is released during the action of this subpersonality, pay attention to the sensations in the body. Perhaps some subpersonalities are overdeveloped? Does it suit you? These subpersonalities are the core of your character.

Let’s move on to their antagonists. Write down the opposite qualities that you could have. For example, the subpersonality Dobryak may have the opposite of Zlyuka or Egoist. Remember if antagonist subpersonalities appeared in any situations? How it was? Would it be helpful if they showed up more often?

These are your rejected subpersonalities. Ask them the same questions as before. You will surely discover unexpected desires in yourself, as well as new abilities.

pōpōloloa

The third category is hidden subpersonalities, the existence of which we are not aware of. To find them, write down the name of your idol – a real person or a famous person. List the qualities you admire. First in the third person: “He expresses his thoughts well.” Then repeat it in the first person: “I express myself well.” We also have the talents that we admire in others, they are simply less pronounced. Perhaps they should be developed?

Then write down the name of the person who annoys you, list his traits that cause you particular negativity. These are your hidden flaws. Do you hate hypocrisy? Analyze situations in which you have had to be hypocritical, at least a little. What was the reason for this? And remember: no one is perfect.

It is not visible from the outside how our subpersonalities interact. But the relationship between them affects self-esteem and well-being, professional implementation and income, friendship and love … By getting to know them better and helping them find a common language, we learn to live in harmony with ourselves.

¹ H. Stone, S. Winkelman “Accepting Your Own Selves” (Eksmo, 2003).