Mataupu
We have breakfast, take the children to kindergarten or see them off to school, go to work, see all the same colleagues there … Groundhog Day, and nothing more! Why do we get addicted to routine? And how to escape from it if it is tired?
The story of a reporter caught in a time loop after filming a holiday in a provincial American town made a strong impression on viewers around the world.
Groundhog Day was released 27 years ago. And since then, its name has become a designation for events that repeat over and over again in our lives.
Such a different routine
“My mother and I agreed to call on Sundays, and I know in advance that she will once again talk about the successes that the daughters of her friends and acquaintances have achieved,” says 43-year-old Lydia. – What to answer to this, it is not clear! “I’m sorry I didn’t turn out to be the daughter you deserved”? Waiting for this conversation every time poisons my mood since Friday night.
But some repeats please: “When I decided to do exercises, I weighed 120 kg,” says 28-year-old Igor. – I knew that I would hardly be able to practice for a long time, and agreed with myself that I would do the exercises for no more than 15 minutes, but every day, without exception. Six months have passed, now I have 95 kg. I won: I feel better and I am proud that I fulfilled my plan.
It seems that the monotony of actions does not always make you bored?
“If it is our own choice, then repetition gives a feeling of control,” says psychoanalyst Maria Khudyakova. “Step by step, we are moving towards the goal, and even though each step is somewhat similar to the previous one, we notice a difference that confirms the progress.”
The marker of self-violence is the word “should” and the idea that one must be patient
We go to work, meet friends, go on vacation…
«И все это дает ощущение стабильности и возможность прогнозировать, — продолжает психоаналитик. — Представим противоположное: постоянно меняющиеся условия — это сильный стресс».
Never know what will happen in the next moment, what result our actions will lead to … It is interesting to watch such adventures in the movies, but hardly anyone would want to experience it in reality! But, as in the case of Lydia, the routine is unbearable, causes despondency and boredom.
“In this case, boredom is a sign of violence against oneself: I do what I don’t like, but I consider myself obliged to do it, and not always even knowing exactly why,” explains Evgeny Tumilo, a Gestalt therapist. So sometimes we force ourselves to be diligent at work, polite with neighbors, loving with parents …
Endure-fall in love?
The marker of self-violence is the word “should” and the idea that one must endure. “Need is someone else’s “I want,” the Gestalt therapist continues. “Mom wants to talk to me, society requires me to work.” How to get out of this?
There is a dead end path. “Many people try to force themselves to love what they don’t really like, for example, washing floors,” says Evgeniy Tumilo. – And this, of course, does not work out: it is difficult to fall in love with the ridiculous movements of a wet rag in an uncomfortable position! But you can understand the need behind it.”
Зачем мне чистый пол? Чтобы удовлетворить чувство прекрасного, избежать стыда перед нагрянувшими гостями или… Поняв свою потребность, я могу сознательно выбрать: смириться с неудобством ради значимой цели или, может быть, передоверить это дело специалистам из клининговой компании…
Su'e se auala e alu ese ai
“When I first came to visit my college friend, out of embarrassment I blurted out that I love boiled onions,” says 34-year-old Dmitry. “And every time since then, I have been carefully treated to boiled onions, which I really can’t stand!” And only recently I finally gathered my courage and confessed it.
The story is rather funny, but the difficulty is very real: even when we know what we want, it can be difficult for us to announce it to others. After all, we risk violating their expectations and our unspoken promise to remain the way they are used to seeing us.
In addition, feeling dissatisfied with what is happening, we do not always know what to replace it with.
“If I don’t want to call my mother, then what do I want: what kind of relationship is acceptable for me? If I don’t want to be accommodating at work, how do I want to see myself? Ask yourself questions until you get an answer,” Evgeny Tumilo suggests.
Perhaps this is easier said than done: getting used to spinning in repetitions, involved in a series of actions and events that seem necessary to us, we do not immediately discover ourselves and our desires in them. This requires some perseverance and willingness to self-exploration. It is no coincidence that we sometimes have the temptation to just derail everything.
The hero of Bill Murray from Groundhog Day also overate on sweets and robbed collectors. Of course, he knew that “nothing would happen” to him for this. But even the fear of punishment or negative consequences does not always stop us.
The lure of destruction
“An excess of routine can lead to a loss of zest for life, and in extreme cases, to despair and depression,” notes Maria Khudyakova. The antipode of patience is the feeling “That’s it, I’ve had enough!”. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to be bad just to be different.
The idea of destruction is connected with the idea of liberation. Unfreedom begins to weigh. Anger, although in everyday life we consider it a negative feeling, is useful: it allows us to understand that we are bad, and mobilizes strength so that we do good for ourselves. “When we are charged with anger, its splashing is akin to an orgasm, it is a bodily and mental discharge,” explains Evgeniy Tumilo.
If anger is addressed, then the problem is solved or can be solved. If not at the address, it will not be decided for sure. If I have a conflict with my boss, and I yell at my wife, the situation at work will not change and tension will accumulate.
Through rebellion lies the path of liberation from norms, values, imposed rules
Getting rid of boredom is not necessarily through rebellion. But through rebellion lies the path of liberation from norms, values, imposed rules – these attitudes are stronger than the resources of an individual. Hence, a rebellion arises as a kind of overstrain of forces in order to create a super-possibility for overcoming.
Society puts powerful pressure on us (which is expressed in overt and unspoken demands of what we should be and what we should do), and in order to overcome it, we need a lot of energy.
“This is similar to how a teenager is emancipated from his parents through rebellion,” the Gestalt therapist continues. “In some cases, emancipation from society occurs in a similar way and also has an anti-social connotation.”
A form of rebellion against imposed norms can also be withdrawal – into loneliness, isolation, asceticism. But a full human life is possible only in communication with others, so we strive to integrate our desires into social life.
Thirst for excellence
The hero of the film came out of the replay when he had a perfect day. And we are interested in a fairy tale in which every day you can live perfectly. Or not everyone, but at least one.
But there is a paradox in the plot: although the calendar always has the same number, the eternal second of February, and the situation is the same, the reporter does something new every day. If we do the same thing, then we end up with the same thing. Maybe if we start trying something else, we might see different results.
Major changes may seem unsafe to us, but “we ourselves are the top managers of our lives and we can choose what to do,” emphasizes Maria Khudyakova, “and also choose the scale of change. We can not even immediately proceed to them, but first try to “find differences” in monotonous events, as in magical pictures of childhood. Perhaps you will see the differences and feel in which direction you want to move.
Take and adapt
But what about if the unpleasant routine concerns not only ourselves, but also others, as in the case of Lydia and her mother?
“Everything that is connected with others is potentially conflicting, and the conflict may be unresolvable,” Evgeny Tumilo warns. “Not everyone can get along with each other. And here the idea of one’s own impotence can be healing.
Children, as a rule, are powerless to re-educate their parents. In this case, it makes sense to put the question differently: how to adapt to an unpleasant situation. Do not endure, suffering, but adapt creatively.
“You can, for example, change the arrangement and call up not once a week, but once a month,” says the Gestalt therapist. “And it can also be useful to know what the other’s need is behind the behavior that we don’t like.”
You can ask about it or create your own hypothesis and then test it. Perhaps an older mother is anxious and wants to be reassured, or she doubts that she was a good parent and wants recognition. Understanding this, we can build communication differently.
It’s not about making one decision for life and sticking with it no matter what, but about allowing yourself to see contradictions (inside and out) and find ways to resolve them.
Failure in the matrix?
The fleeting feeling that what is happening to us is repeating itself may have purely physiological reasons. “I arrived in Tyumen, where I had never been before, and was surprised to find that I knew which house would be around the corner,” says 28-year-old Evgenia. “Later I remembered that I saw these streets in a dream!”
This sensation, familiar to many of us, is called “deja vu” (déjà vu – French “already seen”): as if we had already found ourselves in this situation before. Until recently, it was believed that deja vu cannot be caused artificially.
But psychoneurologist Akira O’Connor from the University of St. Andrews (UK) and his team managed to cause deja vu in volunteers.1: they were shown a list of words such as “bed”, “pillow”, “night”, “visions”. To create a sense of déjà vu, O’Connor’s team first asked if the list included words that began with the letter “s”. The participants answered no.
But when later asked if they had heard the word “sleep”, they were able to remember that they hadn’t, but at the same time, the word seemed familiar. “They reported a strange experience of déjà vu,” O’Connor says. His team performed MRI scans of the brains of 21 volunteers while they were experiencing this induced déjà vu. One would expect that areas of the brain involved in memories, such as the hippocampus, would be activated.
But no: the frontal lobes of the brain responsible for decision making were active. O’Connor thinks the frontal lobes probably check memories and send signals if there’s some kind of memory error – a conflict between what we’ve actually experienced and what we think we’ve experienced. During deja vu, there is some conflict resolution in the brain.
У дежавю есть антипод: жамевю (jamais vu — фр. «никогда не виденное») — когда хорошо знакомое место или человек кажутся как бы увиденными в первый раз. Исследования показывают, что ощущение дежавю хотя бы раз в жизни испытывает до 97 % человек. Жамевю встречается гораздо реже.
1 Investigating the role of assessment method on reports of déjà vu and tip-of-the-tongue states during standard recognition tests. 21 Apr 2016, PLoS One.